Hello Everyone!
I have been sick - so I'm warning you.....this will probably be long and sappy. I'm 47 years old, and when I don't feel good....I'm still a big baby, and want my Momma:) I doubt I will ever "outgrow" this....and I'm glad that I still want my Momma and still miss her so much!
Today was All Saints Day at Church. I have to be honest....I thought it was last weekend, so I skipped church, because I just didn't want to go and remember all those that have gone before us....because I just didn't want to think and be sad. Funny thing is.....after I "skipped" church...for my own "baby" excuse.....I found out it was today. I went....thinking I would be o.k. and be strong....for the last years have taught me to be strong and keep walking this road of life. I was strong....cried a litttle, listened to a great sermon on the Saints in our lives that have left us here on earth. And I thought alot about those persons in my life not here anymore. I thought about Meghan alot.....and I thought about my mom and my dad. In February it will be 13 years since my Momma has gone, and in February it will be 5 years since my dad died. Pastor Mike talked about the people that have gone and what impact they have had on our lives....and what legacy they left us. He talked about the Godly people in his life, and the ones that were not so Godly. Both of these types of people will leave this earth the same way...but will they leave the same mark on the world here....and have they changed the world for God's Kingdom.
Those that know me....know that I am not perfect....never claim to be......and never will be. I get angry at things in my life, I wish for different things in my life....yet I do treasure each and every piece of my life. Some of the very things that I get angry about......are things that happened so long ago.....and I let them go....only to grab them back at times. I'm very honest about who I am....and I've shared that I've spent many hours in a wonderful therapist's chair....or old couch as it was:) I'm not embarrassed about this.....and that very couch....helped me to become the person I am today......the good in me....and the not so good. For part of who I am today.....comes from my childhood....the good and the bad.
I know I am rambling.....but.....I write because it helps me get my thoughts out...that sometimes seem to consume me:)
Back to the Sermon today.........what will you leave behind? What will people remember about you? I have a Mom that to me was that Godly Person in my life.....and sad to say....my Dad is the one that wasn't. It's really hard to write this down.....because it's hard to have such conflicting thoughts about your parents. I know it is not for us to judge......but as a Christian....with children of my own....I find it so hard to believe that my Dad.....would not have left a Godly impression in my life. I still struggle with this so much....and wonder why he chose the life that he did. We were just not good enough for him.....or was he just trying to run from life? I will never know those answers but.....I am sad that when I think of my dad.....I remember the secret life he was living......the "secret" life that he kept in a file in his car.....away from his third wife to see. Did he not think...that if you have to have it in your car.....and locked up...that maybe you shouldn't being living that life? Did he not think his children would find it.....and wonder who this other family was in his file? Common sense tells you that if you can't have it out in the open....maybe you shouldn't be living that way? Well.....not a pretty side to my memories of my dad.....but more than anything....what a sad legacy to leave behind. I pray daily that I shall never leave something like that behind to my wonderful boys.
As for my mom.....what beautiful memories.....so you see, God gave me her....to shine his loving face from. She taught me to love our Lord, to find strength in him.....and allow him to take my worries and fear. I was a child that always worried and feared what was around the corner....and she showed me by example, how to keep believing and how to keep going. She is my greatest hero and I really owe her for all my "good" personalities:) Whatever they may be!
Earlier, I pulled out a very special piece of paper from a file that I have....it is from Thanksgiving 1998. It was my Mom's last Thanksgiving here with us. She had written everything she was thankful for that year.......this is the opening sentence:
I give thanks for......My Lord Jesus who gives me the strength and courage for living, some days I am down, and when that happens my most treasured daughters talk me back up. Through sadness and happiness we help each other, and just where would I be without you all.
She continues with other things she is thankful for.....but look where she started out....with our Lord Jesus.......even in her illness....she always reached out to him. What an inspiration she was and continues to be for me. For she left me with something far better than any inheritance could have been....she lift me with the inheritance of my Faith and for my strength to continue on...when life sometimes just seems to hard. I hope that I can leave just a little bit of her....when it is my time to go. Thank you Momma.....for being my mom....and teaching me the ways:)
As for Meghan....and her legacy....she had such a short life.....but I know that she touched so many lives.....and I will remember her little face, when she was five years old....coming home from school, and she was so sad, because a little girl in her class didn't believe in Jesus. I remember how proud I was of her......and so proud of her faith. So that is one little legacy that I hold dearly too. She did know our Jesus....and she trusted him and had faith in him. What more could a momma want from their children. I am blessed.
I know....I know...this is long.....but I do have to talk a bit about where I am in my grieving process and my road of life. I know there are some.....that may be surprised that we still grieve.....because surely, it's been four years since Meghan passed away, or 13 years since my Mom did.....but grieving, I've learned never goes away for good. It hides for awhile.....or it gets put in a closet or a drawer.....but it pops out very often....sometimes when you expect it too....and sometimes when you least expect it too! It's amazing when someone like Sparky Anderson passes away....how the emotions from your childhood and your mom and dad, come flooding back. (I grew up in the Detroit area.....and Sparky was an Icon in the life of the Tigers:)
Or when you are doing perfectly well....you walk into a costco store....and see all the Christmas stuff and you just lose it. I didn't expect that....but it did. How silly is that? This was just yesterday! Really....Costco? I mean really.....those that know me.....Costco is my favorite store.....how could that turn into a sad trip? But it did. The funny thing is......and that blessing....is that I know why these things happen.....and I am able to know that I will be better soon.....and I will shop at Costco again....and it won't be sad.
I seem to forget each year......so I call friends and ask them.....was I sad last year at this time? Because the most amazing thing I've learned....is that with my Faith....and through my grieving process.....God allows you to forget the pain.....or maybe it's part of the healing.....if we never had good days.......how would we know how to handle the bad days? So I call....and ask, is this normal? Am I going to be o.k.? Am I going to be able to shop and not be sad? And I am told.....by the wonderful friends in my life...that yes.....you will...and yes you were sad, but you made it through!
So.....my thoughts about Thanksgiving and Christmas.....are thoughts that are different from when I was a child...and they are different than when I had all my three children with me here on earth.....but they are all my thoughts and they are my feelings. I just ask that each of you that may read this......remember that the Holiday Season....is a difficult time for so many. It is supposed to be a time of great memories......and a time to honor our Savior....and I do....but sometimes....it's also a sad time......so pray for us...that at moments when we are just a little sad....and are just missing having loves ones around us....that we remember the legacy that they have left with us.
One more thought....really:) I want to share something with you. One of the greatest joys of the Christmas season...is getting all the Christmas cards.......I treasure seeing each year how the kids have grown up through the years.....and I love feeling connected with people. Most of you don't know this......but mailing out Christmas cards....has been the one great sadness for me. The last Christmas card that was sent out was the Christmas after Meghan passed away. It was the last family picture that was taken. Some of you never even got that card....because I started sending them out....and then I had to stop...it was just to hard. Since then.....I have ordered cards...with pictures....I even did a Happy New Year Card one year...thinking that maybe I could send that one out. But I was never able to do that. I have a box of each years cards.....and I have ordered and received this years. When I order them....I think I'm going to be able to send them out.....but it's just to hard. Crazy....and pathetic....but so true. So I guess I just want you all to know.....that is way you've never recieved a card from us. Maybe I'll get this years out....maybe not.....maybe one day....you'll get them all...who knows? I can only hope and pray......
Thank you for letting me write.....for when I do this.....my heart gets a little bit lighter....and it also just makes me feel a little bit closer to Meghan.....silly, I know!:)
I love you all!
Have a very Happy Thanksgiving.....and a very Merry Christmas.....:)
LeAnn
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Four Years later.....
Hello Friends and Family!
Today is October 8th, 2010. It is four years since Meghan left us. I think about those "lost" four years with her....and my heart just aches for her touch and her hands. But I also think about the almost eight years we had with her....and I am so very blessed. One of my favorite kids - Andrew Delevett, posted on his facebook about the dashes between your birth and your death.....the dashes are what is important. This is so very true....but I wonder about the invisible dashes that come after their death date. I have learned in this journey...that there may be many more dashes after....we just don't see them.
So many people said after Meghan died, that they will always remember her, and what an impact she had on their lives. I hoped that people meant that, and were not just saying that.....and I have learned....all of you haven't forgotten....and she really did touch peoples lives then, and she still does now. I can't possibly, today, write those all down....but she continues to change lives in people close to me....and those that I havn't even met. Meghan was a gift to us....for a short time, but she was and continues to be one of my greatest gifts of my life.
I think back four years ago....and remember Tracy telling me....all you have to do is breathe. I thought that was the most difficult thing to be able to do.....imagine...breathing comes naturally....but it seemed like I couldn't even do that. But I did.....and I continue too. I have said so many times...that I don't like this road that I have been given to walk......and you know.....there are points in that road that I hate....but the rest of the road I have walked on....and continue to walk on, is pretty wonderful. I have learned instead of looking down that dark road....(that sometimes looked like there was no light at the end of it) with fear, I look down that bright road...with hope and with stronger strides than I did four years ago. I didn't think it was possible...but it was, and it is. And I truly believe that the only way I was able to walk along that road of loss, anger, fear, heartache and utter dispair....was because I had our Holy Lord.....holding me up and guiding me along this road and I had so many of you......walking beside me also! I treasure and love all of you.....that may read this or may not...that is cool either way! Remember I write this...just to get it out of my heart:):)
I had my tears last night...and today...I just want to honor Meghan....and all the children.....that have gone before their parents. I don't want this to be a sad day for anyone.....I know it is sad not having our Meghan here....but it is sad everyday. So go about your day....and remember her big blue eyes and her snotty attitude at times....but most of all remember her love of everyone......for she loved everyone....and her love of Jesus. I am so proud of her and so proud of her faith....even at such a young age. Many of us wiser and older people....could be more like her....For Jesus said..."Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it: Mark 10: 14-15
I love you Meghan - today and everyday....I miss your sweet smile, your sweet sweet hands....and your hugs and kisses. Know that everyday here.....is a day closer to you.
I love you all!
LeAnn
Today is October 8th, 2010. It is four years since Meghan left us. I think about those "lost" four years with her....and my heart just aches for her touch and her hands. But I also think about the almost eight years we had with her....and I am so very blessed. One of my favorite kids - Andrew Delevett, posted on his facebook about the dashes between your birth and your death.....the dashes are what is important. This is so very true....but I wonder about the invisible dashes that come after their death date. I have learned in this journey...that there may be many more dashes after....we just don't see them.
So many people said after Meghan died, that they will always remember her, and what an impact she had on their lives. I hoped that people meant that, and were not just saying that.....and I have learned....all of you haven't forgotten....and she really did touch peoples lives then, and she still does now. I can't possibly, today, write those all down....but she continues to change lives in people close to me....and those that I havn't even met. Meghan was a gift to us....for a short time, but she was and continues to be one of my greatest gifts of my life.
I think back four years ago....and remember Tracy telling me....all you have to do is breathe. I thought that was the most difficult thing to be able to do.....imagine...breathing comes naturally....but it seemed like I couldn't even do that. But I did.....and I continue too. I have said so many times...that I don't like this road that I have been given to walk......and you know.....there are points in that road that I hate....but the rest of the road I have walked on....and continue to walk on, is pretty wonderful. I have learned instead of looking down that dark road....(that sometimes looked like there was no light at the end of it) with fear, I look down that bright road...with hope and with stronger strides than I did four years ago. I didn't think it was possible...but it was, and it is. And I truly believe that the only way I was able to walk along that road of loss, anger, fear, heartache and utter dispair....was because I had our Holy Lord.....holding me up and guiding me along this road and I had so many of you......walking beside me also! I treasure and love all of you.....that may read this or may not...that is cool either way! Remember I write this...just to get it out of my heart:):)
I had my tears last night...and today...I just want to honor Meghan....and all the children.....that have gone before their parents. I don't want this to be a sad day for anyone.....I know it is sad not having our Meghan here....but it is sad everyday. So go about your day....and remember her big blue eyes and her snotty attitude at times....but most of all remember her love of everyone......for she loved everyone....and her love of Jesus. I am so proud of her and so proud of her faith....even at such a young age. Many of us wiser and older people....could be more like her....For Jesus said..."Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it: Mark 10: 14-15
I love you Meghan - today and everyday....I miss your sweet smile, your sweet sweet hands....and your hugs and kisses. Know that everyday here.....is a day closer to you.
I love you all!
LeAnn
Saturday, May 29, 2010
School's Out!
Hey,
I'm just writing, cause I have too. Please understand....I do this just so that I can have some Peace in my heart.....when part of me just seems like I can't find it. So just ignore.....cause I'm warning you....I'm a little bit sappy tonight:)
It's now 12:50 a.m. on Saturday, Mary 29, 2010. Michael and Jordan finished up school yesterday.....and today was their first day of summer vacation! Jordan slept until noon.....once he's finally quiet.....he'll sleep forever:)
The last few days have been just a rollarcoaster of emotions......I've read a zillion Facebook updates on friend's childrens......kids that I know and love. Tonight a number of my "extended Kids" have graduated from High School.....I'm so proud of all of them.....and I know....that God has great plans for them. In case you don't know this about me.....I'm a pretty emotional person.....and I've thought of each of these kids....and remembered when they came into my life.....and what they mean to me......anther group have graduated and will go off to college in the Fall......a process of life.....and a change .....and I really do hate change. I know change is what life here on earth is all about....but change is such a difficult thing for me to do. I want everything the same.....and just about everyday.....I want to go back.....to a time when my heart was complete....when I didn't feel like a part of me was lost forever.......a time when I could read about other friends childrens accomplishments....and not feel such an ache in my heart.....for the accomplishments and awards...that I will never see for my little girl...Meghan. I guess when you don't know....what the accomplishments would be.....you tend to think she would have gotten them all.....not that awards are critical here on earth.....but awards are awards.....the sign of success and a job well done! I know that no award is as important....as the greatest award that Meghan has already received, but they are like a pat on the back.....a "hey, you've done a great job! I guess it's a mark...that a Mommy and Daddy have done a good job....of teaching their child.....to go out into this world....and leave a mark behind. So I guess, as much as a child is excited to receive an award....I feel that a parent gets more joy out of that award....or diploma.....or great crct scores....and I guess that me....Meghan's momma....didn't get to finish getting her awards......I know....sounds so lame....sounds so stupid....but it's true.....I just wish that I was able to post all the great things about her.....about her finishing elementary....and about her heading to Middle School....and maybe that she got the best Math scores.....I know...I warned you....pretty emotional this week!
I don't want anyone to think that I am not so very proud of my boys....Michael and Jordan....for I am....they are amazing young men.....but let's face it.....if I'm not screaming at them to do their homework......or bring their books home......then it's not normal around here. I know...I probably would be doing the same with Meghan...but that's the thing....I don't know....and we pretend to think things would be different, when we really don't know:)
Another thing.....it sounds like I'm harping about all the other children's successes....I'm not....I read through everyone of my Facebook updates.....and I am so very proud of each child's aocomplishments.....I cried while reading many of them.....I cried with pride, and I cried with a longing....a longing of wishing and wanting. I've had friends tell me.....don't bother with facebook right now.....don't read them....but you know....I can't:) For I know that even through my sorrow.......God has given me such wonderful kids in my life......to show me and teach me...that life goes on, and kids grow up....and yes....change occurs.
So....I've gone on long enough.....silly thoughts in my head.....wishes in my heart...so I guess I'll just end with this:
Sweet little Meghan...she finished 5th grade....she graduated with God next to her....and so many little friends around her.....she's heading into Middle School...and I know that she will accomplish many great things....for her teacher is the almighty one.....and he's leading her and guiding her...until her momma sees her again.
Love you sweet Meghan....always have, always will:)
Love,
Momma:)
I'm just writing, cause I have too. Please understand....I do this just so that I can have some Peace in my heart.....when part of me just seems like I can't find it. So just ignore.....cause I'm warning you....I'm a little bit sappy tonight:)
It's now 12:50 a.m. on Saturday, Mary 29, 2010. Michael and Jordan finished up school yesterday.....and today was their first day of summer vacation! Jordan slept until noon.....once he's finally quiet.....he'll sleep forever:)
The last few days have been just a rollarcoaster of emotions......I've read a zillion Facebook updates on friend's childrens......kids that I know and love. Tonight a number of my "extended Kids" have graduated from High School.....I'm so proud of all of them.....and I know....that God has great plans for them. In case you don't know this about me.....I'm a pretty emotional person.....and I've thought of each of these kids....and remembered when they came into my life.....and what they mean to me......anther group have graduated and will go off to college in the Fall......a process of life.....and a change .....and I really do hate change. I know change is what life here on earth is all about....but change is such a difficult thing for me to do. I want everything the same.....and just about everyday.....I want to go back.....to a time when my heart was complete....when I didn't feel like a part of me was lost forever.......a time when I could read about other friends childrens accomplishments....and not feel such an ache in my heart.....for the accomplishments and awards...that I will never see for my little girl...Meghan. I guess when you don't know....what the accomplishments would be.....you tend to think she would have gotten them all.....not that awards are critical here on earth.....but awards are awards.....the sign of success and a job well done! I know that no award is as important....as the greatest award that Meghan has already received, but they are like a pat on the back.....a "hey, you've done a great job! I guess it's a mark...that a Mommy and Daddy have done a good job....of teaching their child.....to go out into this world....and leave a mark behind. So I guess, as much as a child is excited to receive an award....I feel that a parent gets more joy out of that award....or diploma.....or great crct scores....and I guess that me....Meghan's momma....didn't get to finish getting her awards......I know....sounds so lame....sounds so stupid....but it's true.....I just wish that I was able to post all the great things about her.....about her finishing elementary....and about her heading to Middle School....and maybe that she got the best Math scores.....I know...I warned you....pretty emotional this week!
I don't want anyone to think that I am not so very proud of my boys....Michael and Jordan....for I am....they are amazing young men.....but let's face it.....if I'm not screaming at them to do their homework......or bring their books home......then it's not normal around here. I know...I probably would be doing the same with Meghan...but that's the thing....I don't know....and we pretend to think things would be different, when we really don't know:)
Another thing.....it sounds like I'm harping about all the other children's successes....I'm not....I read through everyone of my Facebook updates.....and I am so very proud of each child's aocomplishments.....I cried while reading many of them.....I cried with pride, and I cried with a longing....a longing of wishing and wanting. I've had friends tell me.....don't bother with facebook right now.....don't read them....but you know....I can't:) For I know that even through my sorrow.......God has given me such wonderful kids in my life......to show me and teach me...that life goes on, and kids grow up....and yes....change occurs.
So....I've gone on long enough.....silly thoughts in my head.....wishes in my heart...so I guess I'll just end with this:
Sweet little Meghan...she finished 5th grade....she graduated with God next to her....and so many little friends around her.....she's heading into Middle School...and I know that she will accomplish many great things....for her teacher is the almighty one.....and he's leading her and guiding her...until her momma sees her again.
Love you sweet Meghan....always have, always will:)
Love,
Momma:)
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
School's out soon!
Hello Everyone,
It's been along time since I've posted. I tend to get so busy in other things....like prayer blankets for Romania....and I've been doing really good lately.....so don't like to sit down and reflect much, when I'm in a "good" place.
Gonna just write for a few......for most of you reading this, you have not experienced the loss of a child....and I am so grateful that there are just a few of us in this group that have. I've been kind of sad the last few weeks, and kept wondering why I can't seem to snap out of it. I've been super busy and so excited about our Mission Trip to Romania.....just six weeks from tomorrow and I just havn't been able to figure out why I'm in this slump. I was driving home from Michael and Jordan's school earlier....and realized what the main reason is. It's May.....school will be out in about three weeks....shorter for all my Senior extended kids out there. When someone suffers a loss of any kind, we will always have those anniversary's that are marked each year....birthdays that are not celebrated anymore and Holiday without our loved ones. With the loss of a child, I have experienced that the two hardest times of the year.....are August when school starts and May when school ends. When school starts....it's so exciting each year, as a parent, to send your little ones off to school.....and even more exciting when they came home....and told you everything that they had learned that day....who they played with, and what they ate for lunch.
The main reason we moved after Meghan passed away was because her school bus stopped in front of our house....and I just couldn't take one more bus with Meghan not getting off of it. I don't think I ever see a bus without thinking about Meghan jumping out of it.....running in the front door to give me a hug....and start her homework. These are treasured memories....that I will forever cherish.
Meghan had just over two years of riding the bus with her friends.....and loving every minute of it.
I was visiting Michael's old middle school a couple of weeks ago......helping to serve some lunch to some awesome teachers....that our church wanted to honor. I havn't been back there since Michael left Edwards Middle School half way through his 8th grade year. I was looking at all the kids in the lunchroom and remembering when Kelly and I had gone up to Edwards to check it out.....because our little boys - Michael and Chase would be starting there in the Fall. It was the same time of the year as when I was there....I remember thinking how big the kids looked, and how I just didn't want Michael to grow up and go there. Then I reflected that Michael will be a Senior in High school this Fall.....where has the time gone....he was just going to enter 6th grade. Then it hit me......really hit me.....Meghan would be that age now.....she would be entering the 6th grade - Middle school in the Fall....if she was still here with us. Again, I wondered how could that be? She was just in 2nd grade. So this brings us to the other hardest time of the year....the end of school each year.
The end of school, especially in mile stones....like ending elementary.....were always such a huge part of my life, and the boys life. It's the time of the year that you reflect on how they have grown, what they have accomplished, how much detention they have had....:) Just joking...but Jordan is at school right now....with his first detention......:) How ironic! As a mother to three great kids......I have always been so proud of their accomplishments.....I just wish that I could have had more with Meghan. She will always be my little 2nd grader...reading and being great in Math! It's so hard to imagine all the things that she would have learned and accomplished. She would be most likely finishing her last year at Barksdale......I so wish that I could have been a part of her fifth grade celebration, as I was for Michael and Jordan. It's seems like it was yesterday when she was graduationg from preschool, or finishing up Kindergarden. I just miss those milestones......but I also know, that what she has learned in the last 3-1/2 years is far more than she would have ever learned here.....and what a teacher she has had. She has been blessed, but I will forever feel a loss like only someone that has experienced this can understand. All her little friends....are bigger friends.....and I havn't seen so many of them since they were little.
I'm just rambling, but need to just write this out.....so I can let it go, this end-of-the school year 2010. Jordan is finishing up 9th grade....and Michael is finishing up 11th grade. I will have a sophomore and a senior next year....where has the time gone. I am so proud of them. But I also just to need to remind myself....and you out there....I also have a little girl....that would be graduating from 5th grade......and she will be a Middle Schooler next year. How cool is that?
Please remember this time of the year.... for I believe this is just not something I experience...but I believe any parent that has lost a child.....goes through the same or similar feelings that I do....remember them this time of the year. And please remember a family in Conyers....that experienced the loss of both of their children last month. Their son, would be graduationg from High School in a couple of weeks....and would be attending Georgia Tech in the Fall....and their daughter would be finishing up 8th grade and heading to High School in the Fall. These are trying times for this family especially....for graduations go on, school ends, and then it starts up all over again in the Fall. I know God intends for life to go on, but sometimes it's just difficult to see life go on all around you, and a part of your life has forever stopped.
Just a quick note to Meghan:
Hey there Meghan....I think of you everyday and can't believe you would be finishing up 5th grade....where has the time gone. You were just learning to write in cursive....I wonder if your handwriting has gotten better than mine has ever been? I am so proud of you sweetie.....always have been, always will. Can you believe Michael is going to be a Senior? And he's going to try out for Football? Crazy hugh? And Jordan.....he's taller than me....when did that happen? Did you see that before I even knew? I still worry so much about both of them. I know that Jordan had a rough night this week. He was missing you! Did you see him cry for you? I wish that you could tell him that you are doing good....and that you miss him too....and that we'll see you again someday. Can you let them both know....how incredably proud your Daddy and I are of the them? They both are so smart...but just don't seem to believe that or believe us. God gave us three beautiful perfect children.....and I am forever grateful for that. Mommy just wanted you to know......I love you....and know how excited you would be to leave elementary...and head to Middle School.....even if I know I would have told you....that you were too little to be going there. I know you're watching over all your friends....that are growing up.....thank you for being the beautiful friend, sister, daughter and student that you always were. I love you....always have, always will. I'm forever a mommy of three.
Thank you all for letting me write.....and letting me feel. May every child out there be so very proud of their accomplishments.....and for every parent to let their kids know that!
Love to all!
LeAnn
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Meghan - It's your Birthday!
Happy Happy Birthday.......my sweet sweet Meghan!
Dear Meghan,
Can you believe you are 11 already? I remember, like it was yesterday....you were so excited for your 8th birthday to come........the things we were going to do and the gifts that you wanted....seems so long ago....yet how can it be number 11 already?
I miss you so much Meggie Moo.....what did you do today? Did you dance with Jesus? I sit here just thinking about one of my favorite songs.....I can only imagine....I do that so often...imagine what Heaven is like...what Jesus really looks like.....who you're hanging with and if you think about us. Do you remember me? Do you forgive me for not keeping you safe? I believe you remember me, my hugs and my love for you. I believe you were with me this morning when I woke up with such a heavy heart. This is the hardest day of the year for your momma. When you were born....you made our family complete. It's hard for me not to wonder sometimes if you made us complete...then what are we now? I woke up this morning remembering you entering this world......and couldn't help feeling so very guilty that I couldn't finish the job of watching you grow up. I failed at keeping you safe from harm. This occupies my mind at different times...but on your birthday...I feel so inadequate as your momma. I know you're shaking your head....and if I am to believe everything I've been taught, and truly believe, you're just wanting to yell at me...momma...this is an amazing place.....I wouldn't change it for the moon. I know this in my heart....but my mind still just sometimes can't get past the raw pain of missing you. You know that we are all doing so much better each day....and at times I feel so very guilty about that. I have just recently been able to start dreaming again and wondering what the future holds for me.......I know that you want this for all of us. My dreams will never be what they used to be.....they can't be...but I've got new ones....with your memories such a part of them.
I love you Meghan......hard to believe this is the fourth birthday without you. We only had seven with you.....I fear for the day that we will have more without you than with you. But I will face that day when it comes. Not worry about what tommorrow holds:) Do you remember Ms. Kim Bergstrom? She taught you the St. Lucia dance so many years ago? Well when we moved to Atlanta...she framed a favorite verse of hers and mine....for we are both worriers.....
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own". matthew 6:34
I keep reminding myself of this. It has gotten better...and I will try and worry what the future holds...when it gets here. I love you sweet Meghan.
I was driving back this evening, trying to remember your last three birthdays. Do you know that I remember the first birthday.....without you.....we carved pumpkins with all the neighbors....had a little party and released balloons. The next year.....I have no memory of what we did. None at all. I am so sorry for that. I think that was part of the "year" that I don't remember alot of. I lost a year....and I can't seem to get it back. I remember last year....we planted pink tulips and released 10 balloons up to you. Today....I know you saw, the 11 pink balloons we sent up. Did you see Claudia sending three your way? And sweet Molly sending up one to you? Kristi was there, Michael, Jordan, Dad, Pablo, Stacey and Debbie.....(well...poor Debbie.....we forgot about her:(:( Did you see Kerra and Kate come over to see them go up, up and away? We all love you sweetie...so many people miss you and remember you.....I am so blessed, am I not?
What a day it was. I spent the afternoon getting my Molly time.....were you and Lauren watching us? Is Lauren so proud of her new little sister? Meghan....I know you know....that Molly has touched so many lives. She has been a huge part of me learning to love a little girl again.....without the fear.....of losing again. She has made me start to dream again.....what a little miracle she is. I know that she has been a gift from above for all of us down here that needed to learn to love again and not be afraid. Meghan.....she is just one gift from the Lord.....in the midst of tragedy......good does come from it. It's a hard thing to understand and grasp...until you grieve and start living again. Molly....and our friendship with her family....is a gift that came out of a tragedy. Ms. Stacey and I were talking today, about you and Lauren....being together last week for Lauren's 11th birthday, and today for your 11th birthday. What are the odds of that? I'm glad you were together......celebrating and being 11 together.
Now, on to a couple of funny things today.....I'm wondering if you had any part in them??? When I went to buy the balloons....they were cheaper by the dozen....so I bought 12. You know....I always like to save your daddy some money. So out we come with all 12. We have Kristi and Molly in the back seat. So Ms. Stacey.....the phd that she is and I attempt to get all 12 in the car....remember now, I don't have the van anymore....got a G6....not that big. So we attempt to get in the car....and we just couldn't all fit. So out Kristi goes with 4 balloons and puts them in the trunk. Off we go. We get driving....and we hear a big pop. A balloon has popped. We laugh and wonder if they will all pop. (I might remind you this is after I explain to the lady putting air in the balloons..that no I don't need them to last longer than 8 hours and no I don't need any weights put on them to stop them from flying away....and no that black balloon that says over the hill...is not my balloon. -God is always trying make me laugh:)
Well long story short....only the one popped....I really think it was a reminder from you that "I'm not 12, I'm 11". Does make me laugh!
Then we go to dinner.....Molly has thrown up all over Kristi...then Jordan wants to hold her....well you saw what happened there......throw up all over him. He looks up says...She just threw up on me....I don't want her.......priceless.....God kept making us laugh. Then you know what happened next......your momma takes her and you got it.....throw up all over me....need I say...all down my shirt. Jordan just laughed and laughed. It was priceless. But do you remember what happened right before that........God working his love again......were you and Lauren just watching and waiting. Were you the first two to know that Stacey and Pable were going to ask us to be God Parents to Molly? Look at the blessings again......The Lord keeps blessing us.....bringing light into our lives...we are honored and blessed. What a blessing at the end of a long day. I love you sweet Meghan.....and I love our Lord...our Father....who keeps giving me Love through those around me. I am so blessed Meghan........I miss you so much....but I am also so blessed.
Well......just wanted to write what was on my heart today. I could go on and on......but enough for tonight.....I'm emotionally exhausted. I love you sweet Meghan. I miss you so much.......I'm so sorry I don't remember your ninth birthday.........I know you were in Heaven....but I don't know what I did.
One more thing......everyday I wonder...what you look like, how tall you are.....all that stuff that I should know....but I don't. I never will know....but about 6 weeks ago, I was at the soccer fields....and was talking to Ms. Heather Kersch.......when up walks Kylie.....I know you remember her......she shared her birthday with you. She turned 11 today also. Anyways up she walks....and she was so grown up. She was so tall. I just kept staring at her...wondering if you were as tall as her? Are you? Because I just remember you being 7........you were still little....at least in my eyes you were. I love you sweetie. I miss you and will always treasure your "birth" day. It was one of the three best days of my life!
Happy Happy Birthday - to my sweet Meggie Moo!!
I love you,
Mommy
xxoo
Monday, October 26, 2009
Hello everyone!
Been alot going on the past few weeks....mainly just keeping real busy. I just wanted to post a guick note....Today is Glen and my 18th wedding anniversary!
Woke up this morning....remembering that day....smiling. I also had such a heavy heart also. I remember that day.....our beginning...we had such hopes and dreams. I thought we would conquer the world. I always wanted three children....he was hoping two would be enough:):) When I go to weddings now......as most of you probably do, you remember your own. You cry....and you pray for their future. You pray for happiness, love and a long life for them. I remember thinking those very thoughts for us 18 years ago.
Glen was my best friend then and he is my best friend now. I have been so blessed to have him by my side all this time. We have had so many joyful times......and a few sad ones. Through it all....he has been by my side....holding me up when I needed him to...and walking beside me (well....really always behind me....cause I walk so darn fast) when I could walk on my own. The Lord has blessed my life more than I can even express when he brought us together.....with the help of our Fairy Godmother - Mrs. Neumann!
When I mentioned earlier about having a heavy heart....I'm sure you know why. When we took our vows...through good times and bad times........I never thought the bad times, could be so bad. We had such hopes and dreams.....and I am just starting to believe in dreams and a future that will be filled with new hopes and dreams. Glen's cup is always 1/2 full.......and I am so very thankful for that....for far to often, mine is 1/2 empty. He is always my sunshine on a cloudy day. God blessed Glen with the patience of a saint and a heart as big as infinity.
Meghan's 11th birthday will be in two days. I remember when she was born...Glen saying to me..."I bet you'll never go away on our Anniversary now....because you won't want to miss Meghan's birthday". He was right. We laughed. This will be our 4th anniversary without Meghan...it gets easier each year....but this day still seems to be overshadowed by the tremendous pain of not having her here. I sometimes can't help but think back and remember us laughing about never going away for an anniversary.......never thinking that something else was planned.
So I guess what I'm trying to express....is that I am so blessed to have Glen with me.....my rock....and also that I have memories of our Anniversary blending with Meghan's birthday....what a blessing those years were. I also feel that as I continue this walk......I can do so and not feel so sad about celebrating the love we have for each other.....it seems like it didn't feel right to be joyful....when there was so much pain in not having Meghan with us. I also want to say I'm so sorry Glen....for the previous years...when I just couldn't be so happy......even when I knew I should be joyful. God brought us together...and through his strength...we are here....four anniversarys later......I am blessed!
I loved you then, love you now.....always have, always will.
Happy Anniversary Bubba! I love you!
Me xxoo
Been alot going on the past few weeks....mainly just keeping real busy. I just wanted to post a guick note....Today is Glen and my 18th wedding anniversary!
Woke up this morning....remembering that day....smiling. I also had such a heavy heart also. I remember that day.....our beginning...we had such hopes and dreams. I thought we would conquer the world. I always wanted three children....he was hoping two would be enough:):) When I go to weddings now......as most of you probably do, you remember your own. You cry....and you pray for their future. You pray for happiness, love and a long life for them. I remember thinking those very thoughts for us 18 years ago.
Glen was my best friend then and he is my best friend now. I have been so blessed to have him by my side all this time. We have had so many joyful times......and a few sad ones. Through it all....he has been by my side....holding me up when I needed him to...and walking beside me (well....really always behind me....cause I walk so darn fast) when I could walk on my own. The Lord has blessed my life more than I can even express when he brought us together.....with the help of our Fairy Godmother - Mrs. Neumann!
When I mentioned earlier about having a heavy heart....I'm sure you know why. When we took our vows...through good times and bad times........I never thought the bad times, could be so bad. We had such hopes and dreams.....and I am just starting to believe in dreams and a future that will be filled with new hopes and dreams. Glen's cup is always 1/2 full.......and I am so very thankful for that....for far to often, mine is 1/2 empty. He is always my sunshine on a cloudy day. God blessed Glen with the patience of a saint and a heart as big as infinity.
Meghan's 11th birthday will be in two days. I remember when she was born...Glen saying to me..."I bet you'll never go away on our Anniversary now....because you won't want to miss Meghan's birthday". He was right. We laughed. This will be our 4th anniversary without Meghan...it gets easier each year....but this day still seems to be overshadowed by the tremendous pain of not having her here. I sometimes can't help but think back and remember us laughing about never going away for an anniversary.......never thinking that something else was planned.
So I guess what I'm trying to express....is that I am so blessed to have Glen with me.....my rock....and also that I have memories of our Anniversary blending with Meghan's birthday....what a blessing those years were. I also feel that as I continue this walk......I can do so and not feel so sad about celebrating the love we have for each other.....it seems like it didn't feel right to be joyful....when there was so much pain in not having Meghan with us. I also want to say I'm so sorry Glen....for the previous years...when I just couldn't be so happy......even when I knew I should be joyful. God brought us together...and through his strength...we are here....four anniversarys later......I am blessed!
I loved you then, love you now.....always have, always will.
Happy Anniversary Bubba! I love you!
Me xxoo
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Hello everyone!
Well it is 9:15 on Thursday night, October 8, 2009. I sit here with a million thoughts in my head. I am just so tired and wore out that I'm not sure what I'm going to type.
I first want to just say...that I hope I don't make people sad...or not want to hear my words...that's o.k. Almost three years ago....a wonderful Therapist told me that I needed to write my feelings out and my experiences from Meghan's accident and death. Well...lets just say that it took awhile......he said that I needed to do it five times....hand write it out...so that I could feel the emotions and relive the experience....each time you hand wrote it out....your experience and pain would become less painful and more like an experience where you look down at it...you're not living in it....but living through it. (He said something like this) I didn't like it....I didn't want to write it....and I finally did...but only three times. I didn't feel the pain lesson...and I didn't want to relive it over and over again. It was painful and I didn't see how this would help. I did it that one time and that's it. Please...imagine hand writing all your emotions five times.......my arm hurt and I didn't like it. I told him and he didn't ask again. He kept encouraging me to write, journal - anything to get my emotions out. No way did I want to do that....because I had already learned that when you wrote it out....you felt it. I didn't want to feel. I just wanted to get through it and not feel. It's funny that three years later, I've found a space to type...not write. So my compromise was the no going back and reading and editing...so that is way you will probably get a complete mess of things. Thoughts everywhere.......not beginning sometimes and not ending sometimes. Maybe someday I'll send him this link. I think he would be happy.....however way I was doing it.
I wanted to explain my day today. I did a very fun thing today...although some of you may wonder...is she crazy? Yes....I am, at least Michael and Jordan think I am:) Stacey and Buffey
were going to go shopping today. The original plan was that Stacey, Molly and Claudia would come over after they were done...spend the afternoon with me. Yesterday I realized that I needed to go with them...for me, and for Meghan, Molly, Claudia and Lilly (although the last three have no idea what today meant to me) So I called Stacey and said I'm coming....I don't want to intrude, but I'd like to come. She said you are not intruding....but know that you don't have to come if it's to painful. I said if it was, I'd call her in the morning. I woke up and knew I was going. you see they were going to The American Girl Store......the last time I had been in one was to Get Meghan a doll for Christmas. Michigan Tracy (no e), Nancy (from Colorado) and myself had gone to Chicago for a Christmas shopping weekend. I had so much fun....buying Meghan's Marasol (spelling?) doll...I remember we got Ashley Barnard some stuff too! The next time I was in Chicago, with Michigan Tracy (no e) I had to have her make sure I didn't see the store. I remember walking around things so I didn't see the store. I had a great morning today....holding Lilly's hand around the store....her eyes wide open trying to decide on her favorite doll. (It changed with each outfit she saw on that particular doll) and Claudia....picking out her new animals.....paying for them with her own money. As I walked around the store.....I felt happiness for them. I was doing good...and I was thinking about their Joy and their happiness. I am blessed for this morning, for my "extended girls"and for Stacey and Buffey letting me come along. This morning was huge.....silly but huge!
I carried Molly around all morning......smiling and bragging about Molly when anyone asked me about her.......how old is she? What is her name? etc. I would answer and agree when they told me how beautiful she was. Then I would say...and there's her Mom....or her comes her Mom. Just to let people know that I agreed with them....she is so precious...but wanted them to know the real mommy. It was going real good that way, until we were standing in line at Chic Fil A. I was holding Little Molly looking at the menu and some nice lady came up and asked me all about Molly.....her age, her name...how sweet she was...and then how fast they grow. I said yes, I know, and her comes her Mom...up walks Stacey, and that nice lady looks at her and then me...and proceeds to say....I wondered about that...if you were her mom...I'm thinking great...she's wondering how I could have such a flat stomach so soon...when she completes her sentence....you know I wondered about that, but then thought you know people are starting later and later in life to start a family! Yes....I laughed...not cried. It was the moment of the day.....when I knew...I'm going to be o.k. I didn't even cry over her calling me old! Just thought I'd share the funniest part of the day!
O.K. I really am tired...but want to share something else. When I got home...I started reading all my FB postings and notes. Wow..all of you amaze me and I thank you for your words and for remembering Meghan.
Three years ago....at this time....It was approaching the "time" to let our Meghan go. I have to tell you it was the hardest decision I ever had to make...and also one of the easiest...I remember Glen and I talking and saying.....there is only one person that Loves Meghan more than her mommy and daddy.....and that is our God. That is the only way....the only way...we were able to let her go...to be with our "holy father" to be with the great comforter, the almight healer...for she was going to be healed and comforted by her "father". This was no special thing....it just was...we just knew. We just knew she was going to be o.k......never for a moment have I worried about Meghan....and I thank my Mom for starting my Faith Journey.....for I knew and believed.
I put these thoughts down....because I'm just trying to understand Faith and grief and loss. As I read different peoples thoughts on FB...I just kept feeling the thought...that any of you would be an inspiration to others. I don't feel like I've done anything right....I have made so many mistakes these last three years. Some days I feel like I'm grieving to much....crying to much...or then not crying enough. You know....I don't feel special....I don't feel inspirational...I feel like I have just done what I could on any given day. Maybe it's just hard to take compliments...but I believe that I just get through each day with God by my side. This is nothing special....we all have him by our side....sometimes we're just not looking for him. I have always hated the comment...God will not give you more than you can handle. Hate that.....always have, always will.....because I don't want anymore...but you know....somehow it's true. But you have to believe and you have to accept his help. Noone can do this alone. But sometimes people do.....or at least they try....but they will fail. So I guess, I don't know, that I'm trying to say....it's not me, it's not Glen, it's not us.....it's him....Our Holy One...that is the inspiration...the strength behind our strength. It is not my strength.....it is his strength.
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." phil 4:13
Lots of words...emotions...and feelings. All rambling on together.
I love you all. Goodnight! Until next time.
Love,
LeAnn (Michael, Jordan and Meghan's Momma:)
Well it is 9:15 on Thursday night, October 8, 2009. I sit here with a million thoughts in my head. I am just so tired and wore out that I'm not sure what I'm going to type.
I first want to just say...that I hope I don't make people sad...or not want to hear my words...that's o.k. Almost three years ago....a wonderful Therapist told me that I needed to write my feelings out and my experiences from Meghan's accident and death. Well...lets just say that it took awhile......he said that I needed to do it five times....hand write it out...so that I could feel the emotions and relive the experience....each time you hand wrote it out....your experience and pain would become less painful and more like an experience where you look down at it...you're not living in it....but living through it. (He said something like this) I didn't like it....I didn't want to write it....and I finally did...but only three times. I didn't feel the pain lesson...and I didn't want to relive it over and over again. It was painful and I didn't see how this would help. I did it that one time and that's it. Please...imagine hand writing all your emotions five times.......my arm hurt and I didn't like it. I told him and he didn't ask again. He kept encouraging me to write, journal - anything to get my emotions out. No way did I want to do that....because I had already learned that when you wrote it out....you felt it. I didn't want to feel. I just wanted to get through it and not feel. It's funny that three years later, I've found a space to type...not write. So my compromise was the no going back and reading and editing...so that is way you will probably get a complete mess of things. Thoughts everywhere.......not beginning sometimes and not ending sometimes. Maybe someday I'll send him this link. I think he would be happy.....however way I was doing it.
I wanted to explain my day today. I did a very fun thing today...although some of you may wonder...is she crazy? Yes....I am, at least Michael and Jordan think I am:) Stacey and Buffey
were going to go shopping today. The original plan was that Stacey, Molly and Claudia would come over after they were done...spend the afternoon with me. Yesterday I realized that I needed to go with them...for me, and for Meghan, Molly, Claudia and Lilly (although the last three have no idea what today meant to me) So I called Stacey and said I'm coming....I don't want to intrude, but I'd like to come. She said you are not intruding....but know that you don't have to come if it's to painful. I said if it was, I'd call her in the morning. I woke up and knew I was going. you see they were going to The American Girl Store......the last time I had been in one was to Get Meghan a doll for Christmas. Michigan Tracy (no e), Nancy (from Colorado) and myself had gone to Chicago for a Christmas shopping weekend. I had so much fun....buying Meghan's Marasol (spelling?) doll...I remember we got Ashley Barnard some stuff too! The next time I was in Chicago, with Michigan Tracy (no e) I had to have her make sure I didn't see the store. I remember walking around things so I didn't see the store. I had a great morning today....holding Lilly's hand around the store....her eyes wide open trying to decide on her favorite doll. (It changed with each outfit she saw on that particular doll) and Claudia....picking out her new animals.....paying for them with her own money. As I walked around the store.....I felt happiness for them. I was doing good...and I was thinking about their Joy and their happiness. I am blessed for this morning, for my "extended girls"and for Stacey and Buffey letting me come along. This morning was huge.....silly but huge!
I carried Molly around all morning......smiling and bragging about Molly when anyone asked me about her.......how old is she? What is her name? etc. I would answer and agree when they told me how beautiful she was. Then I would say...and there's her Mom....or her comes her Mom. Just to let people know that I agreed with them....she is so precious...but wanted them to know the real mommy. It was going real good that way, until we were standing in line at Chic Fil A. I was holding Little Molly looking at the menu and some nice lady came up and asked me all about Molly.....her age, her name...how sweet she was...and then how fast they grow. I said yes, I know, and her comes her Mom...up walks Stacey, and that nice lady looks at her and then me...and proceeds to say....I wondered about that...if you were her mom...I'm thinking great...she's wondering how I could have such a flat stomach so soon...when she completes her sentence....you know I wondered about that, but then thought you know people are starting later and later in life to start a family! Yes....I laughed...not cried. It was the moment of the day.....when I knew...I'm going to be o.k. I didn't even cry over her calling me old! Just thought I'd share the funniest part of the day!
O.K. I really am tired...but want to share something else. When I got home...I started reading all my FB postings and notes. Wow..all of you amaze me and I thank you for your words and for remembering Meghan.
Three years ago....at this time....It was approaching the "time" to let our Meghan go. I have to tell you it was the hardest decision I ever had to make...and also one of the easiest...I remember Glen and I talking and saying.....there is only one person that Loves Meghan more than her mommy and daddy.....and that is our God. That is the only way....the only way...we were able to let her go...to be with our "holy father" to be with the great comforter, the almight healer...for she was going to be healed and comforted by her "father". This was no special thing....it just was...we just knew. We just knew she was going to be o.k......never for a moment have I worried about Meghan....and I thank my Mom for starting my Faith Journey.....for I knew and believed.
I put these thoughts down....because I'm just trying to understand Faith and grief and loss. As I read different peoples thoughts on FB...I just kept feeling the thought...that any of you would be an inspiration to others. I don't feel like I've done anything right....I have made so many mistakes these last three years. Some days I feel like I'm grieving to much....crying to much...or then not crying enough. You know....I don't feel special....I don't feel inspirational...I feel like I have just done what I could on any given day. Maybe it's just hard to take compliments...but I believe that I just get through each day with God by my side. This is nothing special....we all have him by our side....sometimes we're just not looking for him. I have always hated the comment...God will not give you more than you can handle. Hate that.....always have, always will.....because I don't want anymore...but you know....somehow it's true. But you have to believe and you have to accept his help. Noone can do this alone. But sometimes people do.....or at least they try....but they will fail. So I guess, I don't know, that I'm trying to say....it's not me, it's not Glen, it's not us.....it's him....Our Holy One...that is the inspiration...the strength behind our strength. It is not my strength.....it is his strength.
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." phil 4:13
Lots of words...emotions...and feelings. All rambling on together.
I love you all. Goodnight! Until next time.
Love,
LeAnn (Michael, Jordan and Meghan's Momma:)
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