Hello Everyone!
I have been sick - so I'm warning you.....this will probably be long and sappy. I'm 47 years old, and when I don't feel good....I'm still a big baby, and want my Momma:) I doubt I will ever "outgrow" this....and I'm glad that I still want my Momma and still miss her so much!
Today was All Saints Day at Church. I have to be honest....I thought it was last weekend, so I skipped church, because I just didn't want to go and remember all those that have gone before us....because I just didn't want to think and be sad. Funny thing is.....after I "skipped" church...for my own "baby" excuse.....I found out it was today. I went....thinking I would be o.k. and be strong....for the last years have taught me to be strong and keep walking this road of life. I was strong....cried a litttle, listened to a great sermon on the Saints in our lives that have left us here on earth. And I thought alot about those persons in my life not here anymore. I thought about Meghan alot.....and I thought about my mom and my dad. In February it will be 13 years since my Momma has gone, and in February it will be 5 years since my dad died. Pastor Mike talked about the people that have gone and what impact they have had on our lives....and what legacy they left us. He talked about the Godly people in his life, and the ones that were not so Godly. Both of these types of people will leave this earth the same way...but will they leave the same mark on the world here....and have they changed the world for God's Kingdom.
Those that know me....know that I am not perfect....never claim to be......and never will be. I get angry at things in my life, I wish for different things in my life....yet I do treasure each and every piece of my life. Some of the very things that I get angry about......are things that happened so long ago.....and I let them go....only to grab them back at times. I'm very honest about who I am....and I've shared that I've spent many hours in a wonderful therapist's chair....or old couch as it was:) I'm not embarrassed about this.....and that very couch....helped me to become the person I am today......the good in me....and the not so good. For part of who I am today.....comes from my childhood....the good and the bad.
I know I am rambling.....but.....I write because it helps me get my thoughts out...that sometimes seem to consume me:)
Back to the Sermon today.........what will you leave behind? What will people remember about you? I have a Mom that to me was that Godly Person in my life.....and sad to say....my Dad is the one that wasn't. It's really hard to write this down.....because it's hard to have such conflicting thoughts about your parents. I know it is not for us to judge......but as a Christian....with children of my own....I find it so hard to believe that my Dad.....would not have left a Godly impression in my life. I still struggle with this so much....and wonder why he chose the life that he did. We were just not good enough for him.....or was he just trying to run from life? I will never know those answers but.....I am sad that when I think of my dad.....I remember the secret life he was living......the "secret" life that he kept in a file in his car.....away from his third wife to see. Did he not think...that if you have to have it in your car.....and locked up...that maybe you shouldn't being living that life? Did he not think his children would find it.....and wonder who this other family was in his file? Common sense tells you that if you can't have it out in the open....maybe you shouldn't be living that way? Well.....not a pretty side to my memories of my dad.....but more than anything....what a sad legacy to leave behind. I pray daily that I shall never leave something like that behind to my wonderful boys.
As for my mom.....what beautiful memories.....so you see, God gave me her....to shine his loving face from. She taught me to love our Lord, to find strength in him.....and allow him to take my worries and fear. I was a child that always worried and feared what was around the corner....and she showed me by example, how to keep believing and how to keep going. She is my greatest hero and I really owe her for all my "good" personalities:) Whatever they may be!
Earlier, I pulled out a very special piece of paper from a file that I have....it is from Thanksgiving 1998. It was my Mom's last Thanksgiving here with us. She had written everything she was thankful for that year.......this is the opening sentence:
I give thanks for......My Lord Jesus who gives me the strength and courage for living, some days I am down, and when that happens my most treasured daughters talk me back up. Through sadness and happiness we help each other, and just where would I be without you all.
She continues with other things she is thankful for.....but look where she started out....with our Lord Jesus.......even in her illness....she always reached out to him. What an inspiration she was and continues to be for me. For she left me with something far better than any inheritance could have been....she lift me with the inheritance of my Faith and for my strength to continue on...when life sometimes just seems to hard. I hope that I can leave just a little bit of her....when it is my time to go. Thank you Momma.....for being my mom....and teaching me the ways:)
As for Meghan....and her legacy....she had such a short life.....but I know that she touched so many lives.....and I will remember her little face, when she was five years old....coming home from school, and she was so sad, because a little girl in her class didn't believe in Jesus. I remember how proud I was of her......and so proud of her faith. So that is one little legacy that I hold dearly too. She did know our Jesus....and she trusted him and had faith in him. What more could a momma want from their children. I am blessed.
I know....I know...this is long.....but I do have to talk a bit about where I am in my grieving process and my road of life. I know there are some.....that may be surprised that we still grieve.....because surely, it's been four years since Meghan passed away, or 13 years since my Mom did.....but grieving, I've learned never goes away for good. It hides for awhile.....or it gets put in a closet or a drawer.....but it pops out very often....sometimes when you expect it too....and sometimes when you least expect it too! It's amazing when someone like Sparky Anderson passes away....how the emotions from your childhood and your mom and dad, come flooding back. (I grew up in the Detroit area.....and Sparky was an Icon in the life of the Tigers:)
Or when you are doing perfectly well....you walk into a costco store....and see all the Christmas stuff and you just lose it. I didn't expect that....but it did. How silly is that? This was just yesterday! Really....Costco? I mean really.....those that know me.....Costco is my favorite store.....how could that turn into a sad trip? But it did. The funny thing is......and that blessing....is that I know why these things happen.....and I am able to know that I will be better soon.....and I will shop at Costco again....and it won't be sad.
I seem to forget each year......so I call friends and ask them.....was I sad last year at this time? Because the most amazing thing I've learned....is that with my Faith....and through my grieving process.....God allows you to forget the pain.....or maybe it's part of the healing.....if we never had good days.......how would we know how to handle the bad days? So I call....and ask, is this normal? Am I going to be o.k.? Am I going to be able to shop and not be sad? And I am told.....by the wonderful friends in my life...that yes.....you will...and yes you were sad, but you made it through!
So.....my thoughts about Thanksgiving and Christmas.....are thoughts that are different from when I was a child...and they are different than when I had all my three children with me here on earth.....but they are all my thoughts and they are my feelings. I just ask that each of you that may read this......remember that the Holiday Season....is a difficult time for so many. It is supposed to be a time of great memories......and a time to honor our Savior....and I do....but sometimes....it's also a sad time......so pray for us...that at moments when we are just a little sad....and are just missing having loves ones around us....that we remember the legacy that they have left with us.
One more thought....really:) I want to share something with you. One of the greatest joys of the Christmas season...is getting all the Christmas cards.......I treasure seeing each year how the kids have grown up through the years.....and I love feeling connected with people. Most of you don't know this......but mailing out Christmas cards....has been the one great sadness for me. The last Christmas card that was sent out was the Christmas after Meghan passed away. It was the last family picture that was taken. Some of you never even got that card....because I started sending them out....and then I had to stop...it was just to hard. Since then.....I have ordered cards...with pictures....I even did a Happy New Year Card one year...thinking that maybe I could send that one out. But I was never able to do that. I have a box of each years cards.....and I have ordered and received this years. When I order them....I think I'm going to be able to send them out.....but it's just to hard. Crazy....and pathetic....but so true. So I guess I just want you all to know.....that is way you've never recieved a card from us. Maybe I'll get this years out....maybe not.....maybe one day....you'll get them all...who knows? I can only hope and pray......
Thank you for letting me write.....for when I do this.....my heart gets a little bit lighter....and it also just makes me feel a little bit closer to Meghan.....silly, I know!:)
I love you all!
Have a very Happy Thanksgiving.....and a very Merry Christmas.....:)
LeAnn
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