Hello everyone!

Well it is 9:15 on Thursday night, October 8, 2009. I sit here with a million thoughts in my head. I am just so tired and wore out that I'm not sure what I'm going to type.

I first want to just say...that I hope I don't make people sad...or not want to hear my words...that's o.k. Almost three years ago....a wonderful Therapist told me that I needed to write my feelings out and my experiences from Meghan's accident and death. Well...lets just say that it took awhile......he said that I needed to do it five times....hand write it out...so that I could feel the emotions and relive the experience....each time you hand wrote it out....your experience and pain would become less painful and more like an experience where you look down at it...you're not living in it....but living through it. (He said something like this) I didn't like it....I didn't want to write it....and I finally did...but only three times. I didn't feel the pain lesson...and I didn't want to relive it over and over again. It was painful and I didn't see how this would help. I did it that one time and that's it. Please...imagine hand writing all your emotions five times.......my arm hurt and I didn't like it. I told him and he didn't ask again. He kept encouraging me to write, journal - anything to get my emotions out. No way did I want to do that....because I had already learned that when you wrote it out....you felt it. I didn't want to feel. I just wanted to get through it and not feel. It's funny that three years later, I've found a space to type...not write. So my compromise was the no going back and reading and editing...so that is way you will probably get a complete mess of things. Thoughts everywhere.......not beginning sometimes and not ending sometimes. Maybe someday I'll send him this link. I think he would be happy.....however way I was doing it.

I wanted to explain my day today. I did a very fun thing today...although some of you may wonder...is she crazy? Yes....I am, at least Michael and Jordan think I am:) Stacey and Buffey
were going to go shopping today. The original plan was that Stacey, Molly and Claudia would come over after they were done...spend the afternoon with me. Yesterday I realized that I needed to go with them...for me, and for Meghan, Molly, Claudia and Lilly (although the last three have no idea what today meant to me) So I called Stacey and said I'm coming....I don't want to intrude, but I'd like to come. She said you are not intruding....but know that you don't have to come if it's to painful. I said if it was, I'd call her in the morning. I woke up and knew I was going. you see they were going to The American Girl Store......the last time I had been in one was to Get Meghan a doll for Christmas. Michigan Tracy (no e), Nancy (from Colorado) and myself had gone to Chicago for a Christmas shopping weekend. I had so much fun....buying Meghan's Marasol (spelling?) doll...I remember we got Ashley Barnard some stuff too! The next time I was in Chicago, with Michigan Tracy (no e) I had to have her make sure I didn't see the store. I remember walking around things so I didn't see the store. I had a great morning today....holding Lilly's hand around the store....her eyes wide open trying to decide on her favorite doll. (It changed with each outfit she saw on that particular doll) and Claudia....picking out her new animals.....paying for them with her own money. As I walked around the store.....I felt happiness for them. I was doing good...and I was thinking about their Joy and their happiness. I am blessed for this morning, for my "extended girls"and for Stacey and Buffey letting me come along. This morning was huge.....silly but huge!

I carried Molly around all morning......smiling and bragging about Molly when anyone asked me about her.......how old is she? What is her name? etc. I would answer and agree when they told me how beautiful she was. Then I would say...and there's her Mom....or her comes her Mom. Just to let people know that I agreed with them....she is so precious...but wanted them to know the real mommy. It was going real good that way, until we were standing in line at Chic Fil A. I was holding Little Molly looking at the menu and some nice lady came up and asked me all about Molly.....her age, her name...how sweet she was...and then how fast they grow. I said yes, I know, and her comes her Mom...up walks Stacey, and that nice lady looks at her and then me...and proceeds to say....I wondered about that...if you were her mom...I'm thinking great...she's wondering how I could have such a flat stomach so soon...when she completes her sentence....you know I wondered about that, but then thought you know people are starting later and later in life to start a family! Yes....I laughed...not cried. It was the moment of the day.....when I knew...I'm going to be o.k. I didn't even cry over her calling me old! Just thought I'd share the funniest part of the day!

O.K. I really am tired...but want to share something else. When I got home...I started reading all my FB postings and notes. Wow..all of you amaze me and I thank you for your words and for remembering Meghan.

Three years ago....at this time....It was approaching the "time" to let our Meghan go. I have to tell you it was the hardest decision I ever had to make...and also one of the easiest...I remember Glen and I talking and saying.....there is only one person that Loves Meghan more than her mommy and daddy.....and that is our God. That is the only way....the only way...we were able to let her go...to be with our "holy father" to be with the great comforter, the almight healer...for she was going to be healed and comforted by her "father". This was no special thing....it just was...we just knew. We just knew she was going to be o.k......never for a moment have I worried about Meghan....and I thank my Mom for starting my Faith Journey.....for I knew and believed.

I put these thoughts down....because I'm just trying to understand Faith and grief and loss. As I read different peoples thoughts on FB...I just kept feeling the thought...that any of you would be an inspiration to others. I don't feel like I've done anything right....I have made so many mistakes these last three years. Some days I feel like I'm grieving to much....crying to much...or then not crying enough. You know....I don't feel special....I don't feel inspirational...I feel like I have just done what I could on any given day. Maybe it's just hard to take compliments...but I believe that I just get through each day with God by my side. This is nothing special....we all have him by our side....sometimes we're just not looking for him. I have always hated the comment...God will not give you more than you can handle. Hate that.....always have, always will.....because I don't want anymore...but you know....somehow it's true. But you have to believe and you have to accept his help. Noone can do this alone. But sometimes people do.....or at least they try....but they will fail. So I guess, I don't know, that I'm trying to say....it's not me, it's not Glen, it's not us.....it's him....Our Holy One...that is the inspiration...the strength behind our strength. It is not my strength.....it is his strength.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." phil 4:13

Lots of words...emotions...and feelings. All rambling on together.

I love you all. Goodnight! Until next time.

Love,

LeAnn (Michael, Jordan and Meghan's Momma:)