Three Years Ago

Hey everyone,

Well, let's try this out. Yesterday I tried to post a long status update on FB. I had too many words...imagine that:):)

I wanted to write what I was thinking yesterday, before I write about today.

Here was yesterday's supposed post:

I held Molly Dopico (Lauren and Claudia's little sister) all morning, embracing the love that the lord has for all of us. Three years ago today, we got that dreaded phone call that no parent ever wants to get. This is the 3rd anniversary of the day our family (and friends) lives were turned upside down. So many images flash into my mind from three years ago....so many are ones that i try and shove aside the rest of the year. Those are the sad images. But three years later.....the sad images are so outnumbered by the good images....the loving images....the images of Jesus working in all those around me.

I need to let everyone know that I have seen how Jesus has been using all of you, in different ways, to be his hands and feet.....ministering to my family and I.

I used to really believe that God didn't love me....because I must have done something horribly wrong for him to have taken such a gift back....my little Meghan. I am learning that he has always loved me......and he was using all of you to show me his love. There are so many things that I don't recall from three years ago....I guess it's God's protection, but I remember the people coming over, the food being brought over (especially Kerra's rolls....and Panera Bread from Anne Sienne) I know you're surprised that I remember the food stuff! I remember Michael and Jordan being watched over and loved, when I was to afraid to love them and lose them. I remember clothes being bought for them (because you never have funeral clothes:) I remember constant cards, prayers and the love that surrounded us, and still does.

Sometimes we may all wonder, "what can I possibly do to help them?" You all just did it.....even when it was so hard for you to do....you were all grieving too....but set aside your own grief...to help me with my grief. I am forever grateful. I didn't truly know how you were all feeling until little Lauren left us too. I remember seeing Pablo and Stacey at church, after Lauren died. I remember them walking up to the altar to pray....the look in their faces and the sadness you could feel. I looked over and saw what all of you had been seeing in me for 11 months. I remember saying to Glen....I wish I could just take their pain away. I knew at that instant all the pain you had been feeling for us. It is quite a load to carry, I might say.

I would like to think of three years ago being the Anniversary of the day that I really had to trust and believe in all my teachings of the Lord....with me letting go...and each of you catching me when I felt like falling.

Three years later.....I am here and I am stronger. I would be lying if I said I didn't want my Meghan here.....because I still wish she was with me....I wish I could give her one more kiss, one more hug, one more brush of her beautiful hair, one more bath, one more of everything. I really just want to finish being her mom and watch her grow up, but this is not to be. So three years later, I still want her by my side, but I know.....because of her Faith in the Lord, and my Faith in the Lord....we will finish those one more times in eternity.

I remember Michigan Tracy (no e) saying to me so long ago...."LeAnn, all you have to do is breathe"......sounds like a simple thing, but three years ago....I wasn't sure I could do that a minute without Meghan. But you know, she was right (yeah - for once you are) with the Lord by my side, and all of you...we have gotten through very difficult times......but also times of great memories and times of meeting new friends....welcoming new pets....and believing in each other.
Glen and I made a vow, at the hospital, that this was not going to destroy our marriage or harm Michael and Jordan anymore than they had already experienced. Three years later, I love my Bubba even more......I am truly blessed to have him by my side. I am so very proud of Michael and Jordan...the strength and love they have shown me....even when I didn't see it, because I was so wrapped up in my own grief, will be forever etched in my heart. This has been a long three years for them.....of a Mom that wasn't there for them alot of the time.....because I just couldn't be....I was just to afraid of losing again. I thank them for trusting that I would return....I am blessed.

In closing, I just want to say that as I held little Molly this morning.....I realized that I wouldn't have even known her if not for three years ago. And how can you not be blessed by holding a new gift from God? I love you all.

o.k.....those were yesterday's thoughts....I have a zillion more from today...but just way to tired. I am not one that is going to back up and edit, spell check and all that stuff smart people do...so what you read...is what I'm feeling. Bad grammar, spelling and all!

Good Night all!