Finding HOPE when life feels Hopeless

I've been wrestling with how to write what is in my heart for the last four days.  My mind is constantly spinning, while tears stain my face and grief keeps grabbing my heart.  Friday 6 adults and 20 babies were massacred.  Teachers, moms, sisters, wives.......shot down while protecting 40 parents babies.  20 babies that were just learning to perfect their reading and writing.  20 babies that will not be returning to their earthly home....20 babies that have entered their forever home with Jesus.  As wonderful as that meeting was for these babies.....the heartache and loss that have been left to their loved ones and this country cannot even be measured.   As a mom that has lost a young child......my pain for these families cannot even be written or expressed adequately.  As one that has become friends with too many moms and dads that have lost a child.......I feel compelled to write down some specific prayer requests that I know will be needed for these families and their community.  This is the only thing that I can think to do........to try and send some HOPE through prayers for these victims.  Here are some random prayer requests that I know will be needed.  Going through most of them.....and still living this journey, I've been through each of these:

1.  Pray that these Mom and Dads have someone to reach out to in the middle of the night, when it feels so dark......may they be able to get pieces of sleep....where this nightmare doesn't seem real.

2.  Pray that when they wake up.....the have a few moments of Peace, before pain grabs their heart for the day.

3.  Pray for any brothers and sisters .....pray that they are not afraid to fall asleep....that they are not afraid that their mommy and daddy will be gone when they wake up.

4.  Pray for any brothers and sisters as they maybe sleep in their parents room.....afraid to be in a room by themself.  Pray that they are able to make their bed in their parents room.....for as long as they need to.....it may be months.......

5.  Pray for the husband and wives as they try to even imagine intimacy in a marriage.  It's hard to imagine being intimate.....such a miracle was born of this love.....and it become bittersweet for awhile.  You just might not want to allow this emotion into the marriage.  Pray for God to keep them close...just by holding hands as they fall asleep.

6.  Pray that there are close friends and family that will be able to return unopened Christmas gifts....that could already be wrapped under the tree.  These gifts were bought with love......never thinking for a minute that they would not be opened on Christmas morning.  I was so very fortunate to have great friends that returned unused clothes for me.  I remember returning something later on....and the clerk asking me why I was returning it......they will need such strength to face a simple task like a return.  It will rip their heart open.

7.  Pray that these families are not afraid to buy "ahead of time" in the future.

8.  Pray for all the guilt that is being felt all around.  Even though the families, the teachers, the other children will be told a million times that they did nothing wrong....that they were not at fault....that they had nothing to do with this horrible violence......the guilt will be there.  It will seize their hearts and make them question everything they did leading up to the tragedy.  The worst feeling that a parent can feel is the guilt that you have for not being able to keep your child safe.  It will consume them some days.....and make them question everything they have ever done as a parent.  If you couldn't keep your children from harm.....how can you do anything else on this earth?  If you couldn't keep your children safe...what good are you?  These are just a couple of the questions that will be with them....and will haunt them probably the rest of their lives.  It doesn't consume them later, but it will return on any given day.

9.  Pray for all the children......that they don't become bitter with the world....afraid to love people....afraid that everyone is evil.....we need to pray that they realize that while there is evil in this world.... the world is not evil.

10.  Pray for the friends that are surrounding these families.  This is a journey that no one wants to walk....and a journey that is unbearable to watch and walk beside with.

11.  Pray for the firsts......the obvious ones we all know about...but there are so many that you can't even imagine.....these are the ones that rip your heart wide open.   Here are just a few.....their first trip to Target and you realize you have to walk by the children's clothes....you learn to walk around the whole store to avoid it.  The first time they realize their babies sheets don't smell like them anymore.  The first time they are asked how many children do you have?  The first time they see a child that looks like their's from a distance.  The first time they dream about their child.....a real dream....a good dream.....that moment when they wake up and realize it was a dream......you grieve all over again.  There are so many........of these moments....and they never will go away....they just slowly become more bearable.  On a personal note.....there will come a day that they go by the children's clothes....and a light bulb will click....and you think that maybe they wouldn't even be in children's clothes anymore....pray that they have a sweet friend that you can ask....."would my baby still be in these size clothes"?  and their sweet friend will hug them and tell them no......she would be wearing juniors now.

12.  Pray for all that have and will be seeing such small caskets this week.  This is hard for any parent to see......it just doesn't seem right.....they should be sitting on their mommy and daddy's laps.....not in a casket made for children.

13.  Pray for the day when the family is given their babies "stuff" from their desk and school.  Mine was given to me in a beautiful box with ribbons on it....filled with Meghan's stuff and notes from her classmates.  It is so bittersweet to smell their crayons.  I was not able to go through her stuff until this past Spring.....pray for peace when they are able to go through those precious things.

14.  Pray for years to come, as these families will find notes, drawings and so many things.  They will go through a drawer 2 years from now and find some little something from their baby that will be so bittersweet.  It will rip open the wounds for a time.  Pray that they have the strength that is needed each time something is found.

15.  Pray that the first time these families truly laugh....and enjoy a moment....that they are not then filled with guilt.  Survivors guilt will keep trying to invade their happiness and joy.  Pray that the smiles and laughter become more frequent......and the guilt much less.

16.  Pray that the friends surrounding them realize that their friend......that Mommy and Daddy....will never be the "same".  Noone is ever the same after any huge change in a life.  These friends will want their friend to be o.k......and be that person.....but they never will be the "same".  I have learned that I will never be that "old" LeAnn.....but I'm me....LeAnn.....not better, not worse....just different.  Pray that "different" is enough for these friends.....true friends will love them......and never leave them.  It's o.k. to want things the way they were.....but that is never going to happen.  Everyone is now on a new and different road of life.

17.  Pray for all of these marriages.  We were told at the hospital.....how difficult a loss of a child is on a marriage.  I think I was told like 80% will fall apart.  Pray that this does not happen with any of these families.  I cannot even go into the feelings that both parents will go through.....it's to many....and to difficult....so just pray for these marriages....pray that they are surrounded by strong friends, wonderful pastors and priests and that God is in the center of their love.

18.  Pray that these families and community are able to find some Joy in this Holiday Season.  May God surround them with his love.....may they feel a closeness and love for Jesus that will give them some Hope.....may they be able to listen to Silent Night.....this is more difficult than anyone can imagine.

19.  Pray for the Faith Community that is surrounding them.  Pray that no one loses "Hope" in our mighty Father.  May this horrific tragedy bring people to Christ....not make people walk out on him.  Pray that the ones that may walk out.....will walk back in quickly......with the knowledge that God didn't leave them for once second.

20.  Pray that these families are still surrounded with prayers, love, and God on December 15, 2013.  It will be one year and a day later.  They will wake up and think "I got through all the firsts, it will now become easier"........it will probably be the hardest day.......because they will wake up....and it will not have gone away....it will not have become all better......it is not easier.....it still hurts....you still miss....you still ache....you still grieve....you still long for their touch....you still miss their voice....you still think it's not real....but it is.  Pray hard......it never becomes easier....it just become a part of your life....they will not be crying as often....or will be smiling more often....but they will need continued prayers for all the years to come.

I could go on and on with specific Prayer Requests....maybe some day I'll add to it...or others can add to this list.....we have all suffered loss and grief.  We will continue to suffer with new losses and grief...that is just a part of life.  But some losses are just so much harder than others.  Know this and reach out to anyone around you that is grieving.  They may be grieving silently and you don't know about it....but reach out to your loved ones....say some prayers.....love everyone....even the ones that seem unloveable...for those are the ones that probably need our prayers and love the most.

I don't want this blog to be a downer to anyone....and I'm betting that anyone that didn't want to "feel" any pain or grief has already stopped reading this.  That's o.k. for them, but not for me.  We live in a world where we can turn things on and off.  We can turn off the T.V. when the news is just to unbearable to watch.  I do this.  I sometimes just have to take a break from it.  I believe it's o.k. with God.  Sometimes you really have to walk away for a time.....but not forever.  We cannot shut "off" the world and what is happening in it.  There are 26 families that cannot "shut off" the world....is it fair for us to do that?  Is it fair for us to go about this next week preparing for Christmas and not take moments each day to pray?  We are getting ready to celebrate the Birth of Christ......he was brought to us....to give us Hope.  Let's continue to pray for Hope in this dark time.

"I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."  John 8:12

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

Much love and prayers to all of you.

LeAnn

Six Years - How can that be?

October 6, 2012

It's been six years. 

 I have been sitting here uploading beautiful pictures of Jordan and his friends from Homecoming last night.....enjoying looking at all of them.  Some of these kids I call my "extended kids"....I have been honored and humbled to watch some of them grow up.  We moved here when Jordan was in 1st grade.  His first friend in school was Davey Manning.  He then met Erin Dunton soon after at church.  He met Emmy Gutner in our neighborhood.  I've watched these three grow up since 1st grade.  So many others in the group I've watched grow up since sixth grade when Jordan started at YACS.  What a wonderful group of kids.....and one that I've loved to get to know and to love.  What blessings you all have been in Jordan's life.  It's given me some smiles this morning.  Smiles that are much needed and wanted.

For today is a tough day for me and my family.  This is the day that six years ago rocked our world and changed it forever.  It was the day that changed five sleeping under our family roof, to four sleeping under our family roof.  It is the day of the dreaded phone call (every parents nightmare) and the long car ride that would change forever our "normal".  

There are certain things in our life that we will never forget where we were when you heard or saw the news.  I only have a few of those memories etched in my brain.  9/11 is one of them.  I cannot forget where I was at that exact moment and how I felt.  The fear, the unease, the not knowing what the next moment would hold.  Six years ago today, was another day like that.

I can remember like it was just moments ago, at times.  At other times....it seems like a lifetime ago.  It was a Friday afternoon....Glen and I were at the Marriott in Chattanooga.  I was scrapbooking....with the biggest worry of that day was what time I needed to start getting ready for that evening.  We were going to a fancy party for Glen's work.  I had a new dress...I was looking forward to wearing it.  Wondering which shoes to wear with it.  I was thinking about simple things....just simple things.  When the phone call came......I knew immediatly it was about Meghan....and I knew it was bad.....I guess it's a mother's intuition.  I guess God knew....and he was preparing me.  

The first couple of years after Meghan died (which was two days after we got the call - the 8th) I always dreaded the 8th......thinking I just needed to get through that date.  I soon realized that the 6th is a much harder day for me.  This is the day that brings all of the memories flashing back....this is the day that changed our world.  I prayed and prayed on our drive up....but when we got there on the 6th, I just knew...I just knew.  I often feel so guilty that I just knew.....I often feel so guilty because maybe if I just didn't know.....she would have lived.  Did I not pray enough?  Did I not give it enough time?  Did I not want to bring home a child that was less than who Meghan was?  These are questions I ask myself all the time.  My brain knows these answers...they do.  Doctors and nurses answered all these questions....but my heart still wonders.....how did I see the negative all the doctors were telling us, but Glen kept seeing the positive?  How did I allow one of my precious gifts from God be hurt?  How could I not protect her?  These questions don't change, even after six years.  She died on the 8th, but I knew on the 6th:(  So the 6th is the hardest day of the year, besides the 28th, which is her birthday.  

I sit here right now.....shedding a few tears.....with a heavy heart.  I think it won't matter if it's 1 year, six years or 30 years.....the 6th will hurt.  It will always bring back bad memories, sad memories and a memory of seeing my babies.....all three of them....that night.  One in ICU with tubes everywhere and two curled up sleeping  on an office floor waiting for their mommy and daddy to come and make things all better.  I still don't know what image is the hardest to remember....they both tear at my heart.  I couldn't save one of them.....and I couldn't make things all better for the other two.  I keep trying.......and I'll never stop.  I love all three of my gifts from God.  Michael and Jordan continue to give me a reason to get up and go.  They give me a reason to make sense of this life....and they give me a shoulder once in awhile to cry on.  I have been blessed!

 I had Molly over our house last week and she wanted to know where all Meghan's toys were.  She knows that Meghan is in Heaven with her sister Lauren.  I explained to her that I didn't have Meghan's toys anymore, but that I had some of her dolls packed away.  She wanted to know if I could show her those dolls.  So here is the amazing thing.....I said yes...and I went into our attic and pulled out a pink bin that said Meghan's dolls.  I hadn't opened that bin since we moved 5 years ago.  I just really didn't think I ever would....but I did.  I shed some tears....expecially when I found a little bag with her ponytail holders and her brush.  Her brush....with her hair in it.  Talk about taking a deep breathe!  Also.....I found her little pink case with her ear plugs in it for swimming.  This tore at my heart.....she had tubes put in her ears that spring....and the plugs looked brand new.....she never really got to use them much....and that made me sad.  But a treasure that I found in that bin....and it is a treasure, was her baby book.  I pulled it out and read some.  Glen and I read it.....with tears streaming down our face.  I had forgotten about it, and really didn't know what was inside it.  I want to share a few things with you.  (I might add....that Meghan was my third.....so most of the book was empty....just never got around to filling it all in, I guess)  Most of the stuff I filled in were questions in the book.

On first hearing baby's heartbeat - Your big brother Michael was with mommy when we first heard your beautiful heartbeat.  (I didn't remember this.....and it made me smile to know that Michael was there.

Other thoughts - Mommy had three different dreams that you were going to be a girl - so I truly felt we would be blessed with a sweet little girl - and we were!

First impression of Baby were - That you looked so much like your brother Jordan!  You had a perfectly shaped head - as cute as can be.  We were so happy to have a girl, that Aunt Bev, Daddy and your Mommy all shed some happy tears.

Baby's First Day Special Memories - We were so blessed to have you in Michigan.  Your Aunt Bev was with us for the delivery!  Uncle Mike showed up shortly after with your two brothers and your cousins Kristi and Kelli.  It was such a special moment to have all of my kids together for the first time!  We shared some very special moments - just Meghan and her mommy - I loved those special times alone!

These are just some of the entries in Meghan's book.  The following entry was the hardest for me to read.....here it goes:

Wishes for Baby
From Mommy - May you always feel as loved as you are today!  Everyone loves you, little Meghan, and we want nothing but happiness for you!  May you always be proud of who you are and what you are!  Always respect yourself and respect those around you!  I wish for you a lifetime of happiness, filled with special people and special times!  May you always know that Jesus is with you and has made you who you are!  I love you Meghan...now and forever....our princess Meghan! (As your brothers call you - our princess Meghan)

I've been thinking about this last entry for over a week now.  It makes me sad at times....it really does.  At other times....I see that all my wishes for my Baby Meghan came true.  She was happy, she was proud of who and what she was, she respected herself and all of her friends.  Her life was indeed filled with special people and special times.  She always knew Jesus and shared her love of him with those around her.  She knew that Jesus made her just the way she was supposed to be.  And I loved her so much....I loved her then, I love her now, and I'll love her forever.  She will always be our Princess Meghan!  

The part of the entry that I struggle with, and probably always will is the sentence - I wish for you a lifetime of happiness......this is a tough one for me.  What is a lifetime?  Is it 100 years or 80 years or almost 8 years?  My brain knows that answer...but my heart doesn't want to accept it.  Less than eight years is to short for any mommy to have with their child, so is 15 months, 9 years or 26 years.  These are all not a "lifetime" to a mommy, but these are numbers that I live with and three of my closest friends live with.  Our idea of "lifetime" was different than what God's was.  

So it's been six years.......six years since the dreaded call....the terrible drive.....it gets easier, it does.  But it doesn't change the ache in your heart....that never goes away....neither does the love you have for your child.....I would never want to forget the love....so along with that love comes the ache.....I guess it's just part of loving.  Say some prayers for my family please....along with the Dopico Family, The Rodriguez Family and the Caruso Family.....October is a tough month for all of us.  We miss our girls......

And to Meghan........I miss you so much - I miss your smile, your hair, your sweet hands - I miss all of you - even your little attitude:)

May you know that what I wrote in your Baby Book over 14 years ago is still true today........I love you Meghan....now and forever....our princess Meghan!

xxoo
Mommy

Sunsets

Hello!

Above is a picture of the sunset on Friday night, July 20th.  I woke up Friday morning at my sister's house, with Bev saying to me "LeAnn, turn on the news a terrible thing has happened".  I went and sat down with her and watched the news unfold about the shooting in Colorado.  I watched as this terrible tragedy unfolded.  My heart was so heavy (and still is) and as I watched I kept asking why?  It seems like that has been a question so many times in my life.  Why me? Why us? Why Meghan? Why did Michael and Jordan have to go through this? Why God, why?  I also know that the why's of this world are probably never answered, and sometimes I think maybe that is for the best.

As we drove back up north on Friday....we listened to the news and I shed some tears for all the families that have been touched by this tragedy.

I got into Portage Lake when we got here.....I walked around looking at the peaceful lake....at the sand that had made designs under the water....and I watched our resident momma, daddy and baby swans swim away.....wondering how we can live in such an evil world....when God has made so many things perfect.  I thought about the evil in one man....that could bring such sadness into so many.

Could he have never been able to see God's beauty in baby swans following their momma?  Was he never able to see a perfect sunset.....and know that God designed it to be just that!  Or did Satan just take all the beauty out of this world for this man.....and he never was strong enough to see these things?

I don't know these answers and even if they find all kinds of information on this killer.....the why? will never be answered.  It will never be answered in the way that will make us understand how someone can go into a theatre and just start killing people at random.  The youngest, they say, was six.  How does the mother and father of a six year old understand this?  They don't....and they never will.

I just hope and pray that they all know the God that I know and love. For this God is the one that has been with me all the days of my life.....he has been with me through all the blessings of my life.....and he has been with me through all the sad things in my life.  I had to admit that when my life has great blessings going on, I tend to forget about our God.....and when there is great sadness, I've leaned on him so much.  I wish that wasn't the case.....it is really something I hope to improve on.

As this terrible story continues to unfold, please keep all the families in your prayers.  Know that this is journey that noone in that theatre ever imagined they would be on.  I also know that the family of this killer is also on a journey they never imagined.

Continue to remember the beauty in this world....and the beauty in each of these victims.  We cannot let evil win in this world.  God has intended so much more for all of us.  How can we not see a sunset without realizing that God ends each day.....even terrible days....with his beauty and love?

Much love to everyone!

LeAnn

Who am I?

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Who am I?

Yesterday I was cleaning my bedroom and found a journal that I had written in after Meghan died.  I only wrote in it for about 5 weeks.  I remember I stopped writing because it was so hard to put my feelings down.  As I read my words from 5-1/2 years ago....I cried and I remembered those feelings.  I still have alot of those feelings....but I also can say that I don't have that raw ache and pain that consumed me for such a long time.  God does indeed bless us with time to heal.  Here are some entries I made.

10/18/06

Why Meghan - why not me??  I love her so - it's sometimes so hard to breathe - how can I never know the touch of her sweet lips or her loving arms wrapped around me?  How? How? How?  I love her so.....

10/25/06

Thank you Lord for another day - each breathe I take is a hard one - but I know you are helping me with each breathe.

Glen wonders if Meghan will remember us when we meet again - she will Lord, won't she?

Will I ever be happy again? I love my boys and Glen so much - we have to be o.k. Lord - be strong in my boy's lives - they know you and trust you - keep guiding them.

10/26/06

Today is Daddy and Mommy's anniversary - 15 years!  What a glorious day it was 15 years ago.  I love him more today than 15 years ago - I find that hard to believe because I loved him so much then.  We had such dreams about our lives together.  You were part of those dreams.

It's so hard to be happy today and want to celebrate an anniversary without you here.  You were part of God's plan for our lives and family.  I never thought in a million years that my 15th anniversary could be such a sad day for mommy.  I want you here so badly - giving us a hug and kiss and making us one of your precious cards.

Your Birthday is 2 days away - you'll be 8! You were counting down the days - I bet Grandma and Jesus have a big day planned for you!  We have a big day planned for you too!  We will always celebrate your special day - because you will always be a part of who we are!

10/27/06 4:41 p.m.

My Sweet Little Meghan - tomorrow you should have been celebrating your birthday with us - #8.  Instead you will celebrate with God, Grandma and all his might Angels - we will celebrate in your honor - my sweet little Megga Moo!

10:20 p.m. - Goodnight Sweet Meghan - I'm having a hard time just breathing tonight - I miss you so much - 8 years ago I went to bed not knowing you would be here the next day - tonight I go to bed knowing you won't be here tomorrow - how hard this is for me.  How unfair it seems to me.

Thank you Lord for getting me through this day - 3 weeks from when my life changed forever.

10/28/06 11:15 p.m.

What a birthday party we had for you today - I hope you saw it all!  Did you see all your friends here?  Making you notes and sending them up to you on balloons?  We all love you so much and miss you so much.

It was so hard without you - I shed so many tears for you - How can this be real?  You should have been running in our room this morning - telling us it was your birthday.  Audrey and Trepp were here - they miss you so much too!

Thank you Lord for this day - your love and comfort helped get us through this day - without you - we wouldn't be able to go on.  I thank all my friends and family - what would we do without you all!

------------------------------

I will share more some other time....emotions are getting the best of me:)

 You're probably wondering where today's post came from?  Well - here goes.  I was walking this morning and thinking about a wonderful lady - that I've never even met - who lost her 19 year old son about 8 months ago.  She had posted in her Facebook Status during the night the following:

"I don't know who I am or what I'm doing in Life.".....I don't know me anymore"

This really hit home for me.  There are still so many times that I ask that question of myself.....Who am I?  I remember a friend saying to me sometime after Meghan died...it's good to have the old LeAnn back....I remember being so angry....because I wasn't that LeAnn anymore....I never would be her again.  I still look at pictures from before Meghan died....and say....I want to be her again.  My brain knows that I'll never be her....but my heart really wants to be her.  As I was walking today....I was thinking about that.  I was thinking that really....we can never be that person we were yesterday.  I'll never be the daughter I was before my mom passed away....and I'll never be that Mom I was before Meghan died.  We all go through life experiences....losses, blessings, weight gain, weight loss....but we'll never be that person from yesterday.  I ask that you say a prayer for all of us...that we accept who we are today....and embrace who we will be tomorrow.

One thing I know for sure....that yesterday I was a mother of three...and tomorrow I will be too!

Much love to you all!

LeAnn

Backpacks and Memories

May 21, 2012


Hello!


I just got back from a 90 minute walk.  I walk alot lately and while I walk...I think.  I write things down in my mind, wishing that there was something that would instantly write down what I am thinking.  It would make life so much easier.  It would write down your feelings....without you really having to write them out, because I hate writing things out...because it makes you relive moments...the good and the bad.


I was thinking about this time of the year - school is getting out...the kids are a year older...awards are being handed out and summer plans are being made.  These are some of my random thoughts:


1.  I love seeing all of the kids I know and love get awards.  I love to see them accomplish great things.


2.  I am blessed to see so many of Meghan's friends grow up and become sweet teenagers.


3.  I admit, I get a little sad that I'll never know the awards that Meghan would have received.  I also get mad about that.


4.  On the plus side....I smiled earlier and thought....heck, the one benefit of never knowing....is dreaming that she would have gotten every darn award out there.  So, I'm taking this dream and letting you all know...she got all the awards....top in her class for everything....the nicest student....the smartest...and the kindness:)  She really is perfect:)


5.  I'm thinking she would be a cheerleader with Audrey....I love to think they would still be BFF's.  She would cheer the YACS teams on:)  She would make the school have cheerleaders for Soccer - and she would cheer Jordan on!  


These are just some thoughts....


I wanted to really write down a wonderful memory I have and I thought why not here, so here goes.


I can remember that day like it was yesterday.  We were walking into the mall in Traverse City, Michigan and Glen called.  He told me that Meghan had gotten her teacher letter for 2nd grade.  He told us that she had gotten Mrs. Watkins....who we were praying she would get.  Meghan was so excited.  We walked into the mall to get school supplies.  We walked by Children's Place and there in the window were backpacks.  And there....was the one she wanted....the leopard print backpack!  You see, Mrs. Watkins is a huge leopard print lady....and Meghan had to have that one.  We bought it....and she was thrilled:)  I swear....it feels like yesterday...but in July, it will be 6 years.


I tell you this story....because I want to share what I did this week.  I opened that same backpack for the first time.  It has been on a shelf in our closet since we moved.  That sweet leopard backpack...that looks brand new.  I opened it...because I had to.  


It has been 5-1/2 years...and for many, you probably think...it's been 5-1/2 years - get over it.  But you see, I never was able to go through her backpack...or really through the process of this great grief.  Most probably think I have....I say the right things alot of the time....I cry mostly in private.  But in reality...I feel like I'm just starting to go through this.  I keep going around it....over it, under it.....hide from it...run from it....but now is finally the time that I think I can go through it.
So I write....as a part of this walk through it.  You don't have to read...that's cool....but I will continue to write.....for now is the time.


In that sweet backpack...was her sweatshirt she wore to school that last day.  It's purple....her favorite color.  Her signed behavior report was in there.  Signed most nights by Glen.  Some papers were in there.  But the greatest treasure I found in that backpack.....in a little pocket on the side....were two pair of her earrings.  Little earrings that she had worn.  One pair were her favorite earrings from her Aunt Laurie and Uncle Dan....her red ruby ones.  I was not able to find them after, and thought they had been lost.  So you see, as hard as it was going through the backpack....look at the treasure I found.  I showed them to Jordan that night and told him that if he had a little girl someday.....they would go to her.  


I think I'm done writing right now.  I think this was enough today.  Can I share one more thing?  I'm thinking that as you empty your kids backpack this week....think of me maybe and say a prayer.  Say a prayer for all the moms and dads that don't have a backpack to empty this year.


As I start to walk through this....I will continue to write...:)
Love to all of you!

Happy 13th Birthday Meghan!

It's October 28, 2011...and that makes Meghan 13 today. I can hardly believe that my baby is 13 today.

I wonder where all the time has gone....then I think that this is the 6th birthday Meghan has spent in Heaven....then I think wow....time really has flown by. It seems like yesterday she was making her grand entrance into this world.

After having two boys, you know I was hoping for a girl.... We didn't find out what we were having with any of the kids....so after two boys...I was anxiously awaiting number three and wondering if I'd be able to buy some pink clothes and hairbows. I was blessed with two wonderful boys....and lo and behold.....13 years ago...our girl was born. It was an added excitement that she was a girl. I can still remember that moment when they told me to look at my daughter. I remember the tears in Glen's eyes....and the completeness I felt having our third and final baby. We were blessed.

We had lots of Hopes and Dreams for Meghan....lots of daydreaming of dressing her in pink....and lots of wondering what a daughter would be like. I got to dress her in lots of pink....and purple....and enjoyed every moment with her. I remember her looking so much like Jordan when she was born....and I think of that quite a bit....when I try to envision what she looks like today....at the age of 13. Since we don't know.....I'm not sure what age she is in Heaven....so I don't know what she will look like...but I believe that when the time comes....she will recognize me....and I will recognize her. I think the hardest part of losing a child....is the constant wonder of what they would look like. They didn't have the change to mature and reach adulthood....so in our eye's....they are forever the size and look they were when the left us here on earth. Tracy said this morning....just think of Jordan....but in a girl way....that's cuter....with long hair. I smile, because that's what I do alot.....I know she would look similar to him....but with my shape....poor thing:)

I wonder if time on Earth is just a second in Heaven time, then she'll be little when I see her. So confusing.....and another question that won't be answered until we meet again. So many things that keep me wondering and looking for.

Reminder about my blogging.......I type and don't look back....so my thoughts wander and my proper use of English is often incorrect. I was told to type what I'm thinking.....and don't look back. So I apologize for any errors and/or missing sentences or thoughts:)

I was thinking again about all the dreams we had for Meghan. The wishes for her first walk, her first tooth....her first words (which those of you that were blessed to know her....she had lots of words)...what her interests would be, what she grow up and want to be, who she would marry...all the things that I guess all parents dream and think about.

I think of the dreams we were able to witness....and I am so very thankful for God allowing those moments...and allowing me at times to remember and for it not to hurt so much. I was looking at a photo album this morning of Meghan's birth and her first year with us. The album ends on her first birthday. I'm not sure I've been able to look at the album in a long time....or not at all. But today I was able to. I shed lots of tears....I laughed some....but I was able to look. I will accept this gift from God....and praise him that as simple as it sounds....he gave me the strength....to look and remember. I don't allow myself to look very often....for I'm just so afraid that I will hurt so bad...so I take the easy way out...and just don't look. I need to relay on God...and his strength to work through me. Not just in the happy moments of life....but in the moments when you feel like you are in the pit of despair. I need to remember my last week's Bible Study Verse: I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13.

Without his strength.....the ache in my heart would be too great to remember and to smile. The ache would become bitterness....and I would drown in sorrow. Sure......my heart still aches....and I still wish she was here. I wish all of those dreams we had for Meghan were completed here on earth. I wish that Glen was able to walk his daughter down the aisle. I wish I could see her become a momma....and know that absolute Joy that comes with being a Momma....but I can't change things. I wish I could, but I can't.

I have been with two wonderful families this week.....the Dopico's and the Caruso's who wish they could change things too....but they can't either.....so instead....we get up on our Meghan, Lauren and Kate's birthdays....and we wish they were here....we wonder what kind of parties we would be having here on Earth with them, we wonder what they are doing in Heaven and we ache to touch them one last time. We love them....we celebrate without them....we release balloons to them.....we remember...we cry....we laugh....and we continue to live....hoping that we are giving our girls something to smile about....and for me....just hoping that she doesn't notice I'm not there.....for that worries me the most. Someday I will be....and until that day....I leave her in God's hands.

Meghan......Happy Happy Birthday! You are 13 today! I want you to jump up and down.....and celebrate.....for today is your birthday! Grab your friends.....and blow out your candles.....my heart is with you......always has been.....always will be. Look for the balloons....and know that our Love is with them. Happy Happy Birthday!

Much love.....Meghan......

xxoo

Momma

Five Years - Changes

It is October 6, 2011.....and I sit on my deck in Michigan....looking out at the lake, listening to birds chirp.....and the lake glisten. It is a beautiful day....and has been a beautiful week. I am blessed to have this place to come to, and just be.

Today marks five years since the accident that changed our lives. It changed how I live, it changed how I feel, it changed how I love and it changed who I am. It changed. Those of you that know me....know that I hate change, I am a creature of habit and I will drive extra miles, just not to change my route. Well, five years ago.....a big change hit my life.

I still can say, that I don't like change...and I don't like that my whole life was rerouted, but it was....and that is a change that I could do nothing about. People will tell you all the time...that change is good...change makes you grow...change opens your mind to new possibilities. And you know.....some of those statements are so very true. Change.....it changes you....and we are all giving the choice to accept change or not to. I had to accept change.....learn to live with it, and learn to grow from it. I have, and I believe that even though I'm not the same person I was five years ago....the change has made me grow into the person that maybe God wanted all along.

This changed me.....is one that appreciates the family that I have. It doesn't mean that I accept all of the mistakes that we all make, but it makes me appreciate the love I have for all of them, and the love they have for me. I am blessed beyond words with Glen, also a changed person, for he is beside me every step of this journey....and loves me through all of my moods.....and all of my insane thinkings:) I have two wonderful boys.....that I continue to worry so much about, .....worry how this change has affected their lives and beliefs. I pray so much about them....and I love them so much. I have a sister, that has been through so much herself....who sits next to me, as I type.....silently.....missing her Meghan too. I am blessed.

So many other changes that have come from a deep sadness......I have been blessed to be able to go on two mission trips to Romania....to love children half away across the world. I don't think I would have done this before. I always dreamed about it, but I'm not sure I would have ever done this.

I think of all the friends I have, before and since. I have been so incredibly blessed with friends that stood by...and still do...that watched me suffer, grieve and change. I have meet new friends....so many new friends, that have similar life experiences that I have. I have a circle of friends.....that unfortunately, grieve for children as I do. God has brought each of these friends into my life......for a reason.....for a person....they are a blessing out of the storm that we all have gone through. Different stories....different changes....but all helping each other....and learning to live without someone. God does amazing things. I would love that this group of friends never grows, but then again....I know it will. I hate that...I really do....there are so many people around me that are suffering right now......and it makes my heart so sad. I remember praying God.....begging him, to never let anyone go through what I was going through.....and sometimes that prayer doesn't seem to be answered....and I ask him why? And then I reach out to those....and hope that maybe I can help them....in some small way. I hope so....for I believe that something good has to come from great sadness. I have to believe this.

I think of the many prayer blankets that I have made.....and others have made. I think of over 400 that have been brought to Romania.....brought to children...that maybe for only a night....felt warm and covered in love.....even one night....makes it worth it. I think of blankets covering those that are suffering right now.....or ones that find comfort in being wrapped in her blanket.....and knowing that they are never alone....ever....for God is always with us....and always loves us.

I think of two little babies.....born at 24 weeks, 1 day.....I think of their Momma...who wanted blankets for them, before they even were born....so that they could be layed across the incubators when they were born. And I remember me......at a point in my life that I just prayed over them.....and told God......if these babies don't make it.....I'm not sure I can do this anymore......I think of walking in to see Audrey and Grayson.....so tiny....with blankets covering their incubators. I saw their momma...who had more faith in those blankets.....and a momma that knew change had happened in her life......and she was reaching to God and her faith. I saw a picture of these babies 3-1/2 months later.....home for the first time....wrapped up in their prayer blankets. And to think I ever questioned God.....

I know I am jumping all over the place....but almost a year worth of stuff that has been in my mind and heart. As you know.....even though a wise therapist told me five years ago to write.....I tend not to..... because then it is really happening. Funny......even when I don't write....it still happens:)

You know this time of the year happens, every year. I get it. I plan for it....but I still don't like it. I had a very dear friend of mine tell me last week....just don't look at the calendar.....just don't think about the dates.......then you won't remember and the day will have come and gone. I know this is her protecting me, protecting my heart. And I so wish that I could just forget....and think of this as just any other day.....but it's not. It never will be. It was a day that forever changed my life. Five years. Somedays it feels like yesterday, and some days like so long ago. Can you imagine not hugging, touching, talking or even yelling at your child for five years? It aches.....bottom line....at aches...it is a change that I still don't like....but a change that I have to live with.

I'm not writing this to make you feel sorry for me.....I'm just writing, well, because I have to. I write because I want people to know what it is like, five years later. I write so that people know that through all the aches I have.....I also still have HOPE. I still have hope for tomorrow.....I still have plans for the future.....I still have dreams. For the longest time.....I lived without dreams....but I have them. They are just different dreams. They involve less of me.....and more of others. They are about helping others.....hugging more children.....lending my ears and love to others. I guess I just realized this moment.....that my dreams....don't have to do with things I dreamed about before.....but this change in my life.....has made my dreams much more about others....than about me. I think that maybe this has been God's dream all along....and maybe was part of his change in me. I don't know....another question I'll ask him when I see him.

Fall.....always loved it....still do, but it's just different now.

Meghan will be 13 on October 28th. She will be a teenager.....and I just can't get my head around that one. She was little when she left us.......and now she would know it all....and let me know that she knew it all:) I wonder how tall she would be.....I wonder what music she would listen to....I wonder who her BFF would be.....but I already know that answer - Audrey:) I wonder if her teeth would be straightened out.....I wonder how she would wear her hair....I wonder if she would still love shoes like her momma.....and I wonder what she would think of me. She wouldn't know this changed me......so there is no way to find out what she would think.....there really is no way to know any of this.....but I still wonder and I still imagine. And that's o.k. Because if I just didn't wonder......and if I didn't remember what today was.....then it would be like she never existed....and she did, and she does. She will always be my girl....she will always be the baby that made our family complete - our family of five. She will always be my third child....and I will always be a mother of three:)

Thank you friends and family....for always being there.....all 365 (I think thats correct) days of the year....just not only the dates that stick out.

I am blessed.....I have Hope and I have Dreams.

Much love to all,

LeAnn