Backpacks and Memories

May 21, 2012


Hello!


I just got back from a 90 minute walk.  I walk alot lately and while I walk...I think.  I write things down in my mind, wishing that there was something that would instantly write down what I am thinking.  It would make life so much easier.  It would write down your feelings....without you really having to write them out, because I hate writing things out...because it makes you relive moments...the good and the bad.


I was thinking about this time of the year - school is getting out...the kids are a year older...awards are being handed out and summer plans are being made.  These are some of my random thoughts:


1.  I love seeing all of the kids I know and love get awards.  I love to see them accomplish great things.


2.  I am blessed to see so many of Meghan's friends grow up and become sweet teenagers.


3.  I admit, I get a little sad that I'll never know the awards that Meghan would have received.  I also get mad about that.


4.  On the plus side....I smiled earlier and thought....heck, the one benefit of never knowing....is dreaming that she would have gotten every darn award out there.  So, I'm taking this dream and letting you all know...she got all the awards....top in her class for everything....the nicest student....the smartest...and the kindness:)  She really is perfect:)


5.  I'm thinking she would be a cheerleader with Audrey....I love to think they would still be BFF's.  She would cheer the YACS teams on:)  She would make the school have cheerleaders for Soccer - and she would cheer Jordan on!  


These are just some thoughts....


I wanted to really write down a wonderful memory I have and I thought why not here, so here goes.


I can remember that day like it was yesterday.  We were walking into the mall in Traverse City, Michigan and Glen called.  He told me that Meghan had gotten her teacher letter for 2nd grade.  He told us that she had gotten Mrs. Watkins....who we were praying she would get.  Meghan was so excited.  We walked into the mall to get school supplies.  We walked by Children's Place and there in the window were backpacks.  And there....was the one she wanted....the leopard print backpack!  You see, Mrs. Watkins is a huge leopard print lady....and Meghan had to have that one.  We bought it....and she was thrilled:)  I swear....it feels like yesterday...but in July, it will be 6 years.


I tell you this story....because I want to share what I did this week.  I opened that same backpack for the first time.  It has been on a shelf in our closet since we moved.  That sweet leopard backpack...that looks brand new.  I opened it...because I had to.  


It has been 5-1/2 years...and for many, you probably think...it's been 5-1/2 years - get over it.  But you see, I never was able to go through her backpack...or really through the process of this great grief.  Most probably think I have....I say the right things alot of the time....I cry mostly in private.  But in reality...I feel like I'm just starting to go through this.  I keep going around it....over it, under it.....hide from it...run from it....but now is finally the time that I think I can go through it.
So I write....as a part of this walk through it.  You don't have to read...that's cool....but I will continue to write.....for now is the time.


In that sweet backpack...was her sweatshirt she wore to school that last day.  It's purple....her favorite color.  Her signed behavior report was in there.  Signed most nights by Glen.  Some papers were in there.  But the greatest treasure I found in that backpack.....in a little pocket on the side....were two pair of her earrings.  Little earrings that she had worn.  One pair were her favorite earrings from her Aunt Laurie and Uncle Dan....her red ruby ones.  I was not able to find them after, and thought they had been lost.  So you see, as hard as it was going through the backpack....look at the treasure I found.  I showed them to Jordan that night and told him that if he had a little girl someday.....they would go to her.  


I think I'm done writing right now.  I think this was enough today.  Can I share one more thing?  I'm thinking that as you empty your kids backpack this week....think of me maybe and say a prayer.  Say a prayer for all the moms and dads that don't have a backpack to empty this year.


As I start to walk through this....I will continue to write...:)
Love to all of you!