I wonder where all the time has gone....then I think that this is the 6th birthday Meghan has spent in Heaven....then I think wow....time really has flown by. It seems like yesterday she was making her grand entrance into this world.
After having two boys, you know I was hoping for a girl.... We didn't find out what we were having with any of the kids....so after two boys...I was anxiously awaiting number three and wondering if I'd be able to buy some pink clothes and hairbows. I was blessed with two wonderful boys....and lo and behold.....13 years ago...our girl was born. It was an added excitement that she was a girl. I can still remember that moment when they told me to look at my daughter. I remember the tears in Glen's eyes....and the completeness I felt having our third and final baby. We were blessed.
We had lots of Hopes and Dreams for Meghan....lots of daydreaming of dressing her in pink....and lots of wondering what a daughter would be like. I got to dress her in lots of pink....and purple....and enjoyed every moment with her. I remember her looking so much like Jordan when she was born....and I think of that quite a bit....when I try to envision what she looks like today....at the age of 13. Since we don't know.....I'm not sure what age she is in Heaven....so I don't know what she will look like...but I believe that when the time comes....she will recognize me....and I will recognize her. I think the hardest part of losing a child....is the constant wonder of what they would look like. They didn't have the change to mature and reach adulthood....so in our eye's....they are forever the size and look they were when the left us here on earth. Tracy said this morning....just think of Jordan....but in a girl way....that's cuter....with long hair. I smile, because that's what I do alot.....I know she would look similar to him....but with my shape....poor thing:)
I wonder if time on Earth is just a second in Heaven time, then she'll be little when I see her. So confusing.....and another question that won't be answered until we meet again. So many things that keep me wondering and looking for.
Reminder about my blogging.......I type and don't look back....so my thoughts wander and my proper use of English is often incorrect. I was told to type what I'm thinking.....and don't look back. So I apologize for any errors and/or missing sentences or thoughts:)
I was thinking again about all the dreams we had for Meghan. The wishes for her first walk, her first tooth....her first words (which those of you that were blessed to know her....she had lots of words)...what her interests would be, what she grow up and want to be, who she would marry...all the things that I guess all parents dream and think about.
I think of the dreams we were able to witness....and I am so very thankful for God allowing those moments...and allowing me at times to remember and for it not to hurt so much. I was looking at a photo album this morning of Meghan's birth and her first year with us. The album ends on her first birthday. I'm not sure I've been able to look at the album in a long time....or not at all. But today I was able to. I shed lots of tears....I laughed some....but I was able to look. I will accept this gift from God....and praise him that as simple as it sounds....he gave me the strength....to look and remember. I don't allow myself to look very often....for I'm just so afraid that I will hurt so bad...so I take the easy way out...and just don't look. I need to relay on God...and his strength to work through me. Not just in the happy moments of life....but in the moments when you feel like you are in the pit of despair. I need to remember my last week's Bible Study Verse: I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13.
Without his strength.....the ache in my heart would be too great to remember and to smile. The ache would become bitterness....and I would drown in sorrow. Sure......my heart still aches....and I still wish she was here. I wish all of those dreams we had for Meghan were completed here on earth. I wish that Glen was able to walk his daughter down the aisle. I wish I could see her become a momma....and know that absolute Joy that comes with being a Momma....but I can't change things. I wish I could, but I can't.
I have been with two wonderful families this week.....the Dopico's and the Caruso's who wish they could change things too....but they can't either.....so instead....we get up on our Meghan, Lauren and Kate's birthdays....and we wish they were here....we wonder what kind of parties we would be having here on Earth with them, we wonder what they are doing in Heaven and we ache to touch them one last time. We love them....we celebrate without them....we release balloons to them.....we remember...we cry....we laugh....and we continue to live....hoping that we are giving our girls something to smile about....and for me....just hoping that she doesn't notice I'm not there.....for that worries me the most. Someday I will be....and until that day....I leave her in God's hands.
Meghan......Happy Happy Birthday! You are 13 today! I want you to jump up and down.....and celebrate.....for today is your birthday! Grab your friends.....and blow out your candles.....my heart is with you......always has been.....always will be. Look for the balloons....and know that our Love is with them. Happy Happy Birthday!
Much love.....Meghan......
xxoo
Momma
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