Who am I?

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Who am I?

Yesterday I was cleaning my bedroom and found a journal that I had written in after Meghan died.  I only wrote in it for about 5 weeks.  I remember I stopped writing because it was so hard to put my feelings down.  As I read my words from 5-1/2 years ago....I cried and I remembered those feelings.  I still have alot of those feelings....but I also can say that I don't have that raw ache and pain that consumed me for such a long time.  God does indeed bless us with time to heal.  Here are some entries I made.

10/18/06

Why Meghan - why not me??  I love her so - it's sometimes so hard to breathe - how can I never know the touch of her sweet lips or her loving arms wrapped around me?  How? How? How?  I love her so.....

10/25/06

Thank you Lord for another day - each breathe I take is a hard one - but I know you are helping me with each breathe.

Glen wonders if Meghan will remember us when we meet again - she will Lord, won't she?

Will I ever be happy again? I love my boys and Glen so much - we have to be o.k. Lord - be strong in my boy's lives - they know you and trust you - keep guiding them.

10/26/06

Today is Daddy and Mommy's anniversary - 15 years!  What a glorious day it was 15 years ago.  I love him more today than 15 years ago - I find that hard to believe because I loved him so much then.  We had such dreams about our lives together.  You were part of those dreams.

It's so hard to be happy today and want to celebrate an anniversary without you here.  You were part of God's plan for our lives and family.  I never thought in a million years that my 15th anniversary could be such a sad day for mommy.  I want you here so badly - giving us a hug and kiss and making us one of your precious cards.

Your Birthday is 2 days away - you'll be 8! You were counting down the days - I bet Grandma and Jesus have a big day planned for you!  We have a big day planned for you too!  We will always celebrate your special day - because you will always be a part of who we are!

10/27/06 4:41 p.m.

My Sweet Little Meghan - tomorrow you should have been celebrating your birthday with us - #8.  Instead you will celebrate with God, Grandma and all his might Angels - we will celebrate in your honor - my sweet little Megga Moo!

10:20 p.m. - Goodnight Sweet Meghan - I'm having a hard time just breathing tonight - I miss you so much - 8 years ago I went to bed not knowing you would be here the next day - tonight I go to bed knowing you won't be here tomorrow - how hard this is for me.  How unfair it seems to me.

Thank you Lord for getting me through this day - 3 weeks from when my life changed forever.

10/28/06 11:15 p.m.

What a birthday party we had for you today - I hope you saw it all!  Did you see all your friends here?  Making you notes and sending them up to you on balloons?  We all love you so much and miss you so much.

It was so hard without you - I shed so many tears for you - How can this be real?  You should have been running in our room this morning - telling us it was your birthday.  Audrey and Trepp were here - they miss you so much too!

Thank you Lord for this day - your love and comfort helped get us through this day - without you - we wouldn't be able to go on.  I thank all my friends and family - what would we do without you all!

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I will share more some other time....emotions are getting the best of me:)

 You're probably wondering where today's post came from?  Well - here goes.  I was walking this morning and thinking about a wonderful lady - that I've never even met - who lost her 19 year old son about 8 months ago.  She had posted in her Facebook Status during the night the following:

"I don't know who I am or what I'm doing in Life.".....I don't know me anymore"

This really hit home for me.  There are still so many times that I ask that question of myself.....Who am I?  I remember a friend saying to me sometime after Meghan died...it's good to have the old LeAnn back....I remember being so angry....because I wasn't that LeAnn anymore....I never would be her again.  I still look at pictures from before Meghan died....and say....I want to be her again.  My brain knows that I'll never be her....but my heart really wants to be her.  As I was walking today....I was thinking about that.  I was thinking that really....we can never be that person we were yesterday.  I'll never be the daughter I was before my mom passed away....and I'll never be that Mom I was before Meghan died.  We all go through life experiences....losses, blessings, weight gain, weight loss....but we'll never be that person from yesterday.  I ask that you say a prayer for all of us...that we accept who we are today....and embrace who we will be tomorrow.

One thing I know for sure....that yesterday I was a mother of three...and tomorrow I will be too!

Much love to you all!

LeAnn