October 6, 2012
It's been six years.
I have been sitting here uploading beautiful pictures of Jordan and his friends from Homecoming last night.....enjoying looking at all of them. Some of these kids I call my "extended kids"....I have been honored and humbled to watch some of them grow up. We moved here when Jordan was in 1st grade. His first friend in school was Davey Manning. He then met Erin Dunton soon after at church. He met Emmy Gutner in our neighborhood. I've watched these three grow up since 1st grade. So many others in the group I've watched grow up since sixth grade when Jordan started at YACS. What a wonderful group of kids.....and one that I've loved to get to know and to love. What blessings you all have been in Jordan's life. It's given me some smiles this morning. Smiles that are much needed and wanted.
For today is a tough day for me and my family. This is the day that six years ago rocked our world and changed it forever. It was the day that changed five sleeping under our family roof, to four sleeping under our family roof. It is the day of the dreaded phone call (every parents nightmare) and the long car ride that would change forever our "normal".
There are certain things in our life that we will never forget where we were when you heard or saw the news. I only have a few of those memories etched in my brain. 9/11 is one of them. I cannot forget where I was at that exact moment and how I felt. The fear, the unease, the not knowing what the next moment would hold. Six years ago today, was another day like that.
I can remember like it was just moments ago, at times. At other times....it seems like a lifetime ago. It was a Friday afternoon....Glen and I were at the Marriott in Chattanooga. I was scrapbooking....with the biggest worry of that day was what time I needed to start getting ready for that evening. We were going to a fancy party for Glen's work. I had a new dress...I was looking forward to wearing it. Wondering which shoes to wear with it. I was thinking about simple things....just simple things. When the phone call came......I knew immediatly it was about Meghan....and I knew it was bad.....I guess it's a mother's intuition. I guess God knew....and he was preparing me.
The first couple of years after Meghan died (which was two days after we got the call - the 8th) I always dreaded the 8th......thinking I just needed to get through that date. I soon realized that the 6th is a much harder day for me. This is the day that brings all of the memories flashing back....this is the day that changed our world. I prayed and prayed on our drive up....but when we got there on the 6th, I just knew...I just knew. I often feel so guilty that I just knew.....I often feel so guilty because maybe if I just didn't know.....she would have lived. Did I not pray enough? Did I not give it enough time? Did I not want to bring home a child that was less than who Meghan was? These are questions I ask myself all the time. My brain knows these answers...they do. Doctors and nurses answered all these questions....but my heart still wonders.....how did I see the negative all the doctors were telling us, but Glen kept seeing the positive? How did I allow one of my precious gifts from God be hurt? How could I not protect her? These questions don't change, even after six years. She died on the 8th, but I knew on the 6th:( So the 6th is the hardest day of the year, besides the 28th, which is her birthday.
I sit here right now.....shedding a few tears.....with a heavy heart. I think it won't matter if it's 1 year, six years or 30 years.....the 6th will hurt. It will always bring back bad memories, sad memories and a memory of seeing my babies.....all three of them....that night. One in ICU with tubes everywhere and two curled up sleeping on an office floor waiting for their mommy and daddy to come and make things all better. I still don't know what image is the hardest to remember....they both tear at my heart. I couldn't save one of them.....and I couldn't make things all better for the other two. I keep trying.......and I'll never stop. I love all three of my gifts from God. Michael and Jordan continue to give me a reason to get up and go. They give me a reason to make sense of this life....and they give me a shoulder once in awhile to cry on. I have been blessed!
I had Molly over our house last week and she wanted to know where all Meghan's toys were. She knows that Meghan is in Heaven with her sister Lauren. I explained to her that I didn't have Meghan's toys anymore, but that I had some of her dolls packed away. She wanted to know if I could show her those dolls. So here is the amazing thing.....I said yes...and I went into our attic and pulled out a pink bin that said Meghan's dolls. I hadn't opened that bin since we moved 5 years ago. I just really didn't think I ever would....but I did. I shed some tears....expecially when I found a little bag with her ponytail holders and her brush. Her brush....with her hair in it. Talk about taking a deep breathe! Also.....I found her little pink case with her ear plugs in it for swimming. This tore at my heart.....she had tubes put in her ears that spring....and the plugs looked brand new.....she never really got to use them much....and that made me sad. But a treasure that I found in that bin....and it is a treasure, was her baby book. I pulled it out and read some. Glen and I read it.....with tears streaming down our face. I had forgotten about it, and really didn't know what was inside it. I want to share a few things with you. (I might add....that Meghan was my third.....so most of the book was empty....just never got around to filling it all in, I guess) Most of the stuff I filled in were questions in the book.
On first hearing baby's heartbeat - Your big brother Michael was with mommy when we first heard your beautiful heartbeat. (I didn't remember this.....and it made me smile to know that Michael was there.
Other thoughts - Mommy had three different dreams that you were going to be a girl - so I truly felt we would be blessed with a sweet little girl - and we were!
First impression of Baby were - That you looked so much like your brother Jordan! You had a perfectly shaped head - as cute as can be. We were so happy to have a girl, that Aunt Bev, Daddy and your Mommy all shed some happy tears.
Baby's First Day Special Memories - We were so blessed to have you in Michigan. Your Aunt Bev was with us for the delivery! Uncle Mike showed up shortly after with your two brothers and your cousins Kristi and Kelli. It was such a special moment to have all of my kids together for the first time! We shared some very special moments - just Meghan and her mommy - I loved those special times alone!
These are just some of the entries in Meghan's book. The following entry was the hardest for me to read.....here it goes:
Wishes for Baby
From Mommy - May you always feel as loved as you are today! Everyone loves you, little Meghan, and we want nothing but happiness for you! May you always be proud of who you are and what you are! Always respect yourself and respect those around you! I wish for you a lifetime of happiness, filled with special people and special times! May you always know that Jesus is with you and has made you who you are! I love you Meghan...now and forever....our princess Meghan! (As your brothers call you - our princess Meghan)
I've been thinking about this last entry for over a week now. It makes me sad at times....it really does. At other times....I see that all my wishes for my Baby Meghan came true. She was happy, she was proud of who and what she was, she respected herself and all of her friends. Her life was indeed filled with special people and special times. She always knew Jesus and shared her love of him with those around her. She knew that Jesus made her just the way she was supposed to be. And I loved her so much....I loved her then, I love her now, and I'll love her forever. She will always be our Princess Meghan!
The part of the entry that I struggle with, and probably always will is the sentence - I wish for you a lifetime of happiness......this is a tough one for me. What is a lifetime? Is it 100 years or 80 years or almost 8 years? My brain knows that answer...but my heart doesn't want to accept it. Less than eight years is to short for any mommy to have with their child, so is 15 months, 9 years or 26 years. These are all not a "lifetime" to a mommy, but these are numbers that I live with and three of my closest friends live with. Our idea of "lifetime" was different than what God's was.
So it's been six years.......six years since the dreaded call....the terrible drive.....it gets easier, it does. But it doesn't change the ache in your heart....that never goes away....neither does the love you have for your child.....I would never want to forget the love....so along with that love comes the ache.....I guess it's just part of loving. Say some prayers for my family please....along with the Dopico Family, The Rodriguez Family and the Caruso Family.....October is a tough month for all of us. We miss our girls......
And to Meghan........I miss you so much - I miss your smile, your hair, your sweet hands - I miss all of you - even your little attitude:)
May you know that what I wrote in your Baby Book over 14 years ago is still true today........I love you Meghan....now and forever....our princess Meghan!
xxoo
Mommy
No comments:
Post a Comment