All Saints Day - Thanksgiving - Christmas:)

Hello Everyone!

I have been sick - so I'm warning you.....this will probably be long and sappy. I'm 47 years old, and when I don't feel good....I'm still a big baby, and want my Momma:) I doubt I will ever "outgrow" this....and I'm glad that I still want my Momma and still miss her so much!

Today was All Saints Day at Church. I have to be honest....I thought it was last weekend, so I skipped church, because I just didn't want to go and remember all those that have gone before us....because I just didn't want to think and be sad. Funny thing is.....after I "skipped" church...for my own "baby" excuse.....I found out it was today. I went....thinking I would be o.k. and be strong....for the last years have taught me to be strong and keep walking this road of life. I was strong....cried a litttle, listened to a great sermon on the Saints in our lives that have left us here on earth. And I thought alot about those persons in my life not here anymore. I thought about Meghan alot.....and I thought about my mom and my dad. In February it will be 13 years since my Momma has gone, and in February it will be 5 years since my dad died. Pastor Mike talked about the people that have gone and what impact they have had on our lives....and what legacy they left us. He talked about the Godly people in his life, and the ones that were not so Godly. Both of these types of people will leave this earth the same way...but will they leave the same mark on the world here....and have they changed the world for God's Kingdom.

Those that know me....know that I am not perfect....never claim to be......and never will be. I get angry at things in my life, I wish for different things in my life....yet I do treasure each and every piece of my life. Some of the very things that I get angry about......are things that happened so long ago.....and I let them go....only to grab them back at times. I'm very honest about who I am....and I've shared that I've spent many hours in a wonderful therapist's chair....or old couch as it was:) I'm not embarrassed about this.....and that very couch....helped me to become the person I am today......the good in me....and the not so good. For part of who I am today.....comes from my childhood....the good and the bad.

I know I am rambling.....but.....I write because it helps me get my thoughts out...that sometimes seem to consume me:)

Back to the Sermon today.........what will you leave behind? What will people remember about you? I have a Mom that to me was that Godly Person in my life.....and sad to say....my Dad is the one that wasn't. It's really hard to write this down.....because it's hard to have such conflicting thoughts about your parents. I know it is not for us to judge......but as a Christian....with children of my own....I find it so hard to believe that my Dad.....would not have left a Godly impression in my life. I still struggle with this so much....and wonder why he chose the life that he did. We were just not good enough for him.....or was he just trying to run from life? I will never know those answers but.....I am sad that when I think of my dad.....I remember the secret life he was living......the "secret" life that he kept in a file in his car.....away from his third wife to see. Did he not think...that if you have to have it in your car.....and locked up...that maybe you shouldn't being living that life? Did he not think his children would find it.....and wonder who this other family was in his file? Common sense tells you that if you can't have it out in the open....maybe you shouldn't be living that way? Well.....not a pretty side to my memories of my dad.....but more than anything....what a sad legacy to leave behind. I pray daily that I shall never leave something like that behind to my wonderful boys.

As for my mom.....what beautiful memories.....so you see, God gave me her....to shine his loving face from. She taught me to love our Lord, to find strength in him.....and allow him to take my worries and fear. I was a child that always worried and feared what was around the corner....and she showed me by example, how to keep believing and how to keep going. She is my greatest hero and I really owe her for all my "good" personalities:) Whatever they may be!

Earlier, I pulled out a very special piece of paper from a file that I have....it is from Thanksgiving 1998. It was my Mom's last Thanksgiving here with us. She had written everything she was thankful for that year.......this is the opening sentence:

I give thanks for......My Lord Jesus who gives me the strength and courage for living, some days I am down, and when that happens my most treasured daughters talk me back up. Through sadness and happiness we help each other, and just where would I be without you all.

She continues with other things she is thankful for.....but look where she started out....with our Lord Jesus.......even in her illness....she always reached out to him. What an inspiration she was and continues to be for me. For she left me with something far better than any inheritance could have been....she lift me with the inheritance of my Faith and for my strength to continue on...when life sometimes just seems to hard. I hope that I can leave just a little bit of her....when it is my time to go. Thank you Momma.....for being my mom....and teaching me the ways:)

As for Meghan....and her legacy....she had such a short life.....but I know that she touched so many lives.....and I will remember her little face, when she was five years old....coming home from school, and she was so sad, because a little girl in her class didn't believe in Jesus. I remember how proud I was of her......and so proud of her faith. So that is one little legacy that I hold dearly too. She did know our Jesus....and she trusted him and had faith in him. What more could a momma want from their children. I am blessed.

I know....I know...this is long.....but I do have to talk a bit about where I am in my grieving process and my road of life. I know there are some.....that may be surprised that we still grieve.....because surely, it's been four years since Meghan passed away, or 13 years since my Mom did.....but grieving, I've learned never goes away for good. It hides for awhile.....or it gets put in a closet or a drawer.....but it pops out very often....sometimes when you expect it too....and sometimes when you least expect it too! It's amazing when someone like Sparky Anderson passes away....how the emotions from your childhood and your mom and dad, come flooding back. (I grew up in the Detroit area.....and Sparky was an Icon in the life of the Tigers:)
Or when you are doing perfectly well....you walk into a costco store....and see all the Christmas stuff and you just lose it. I didn't expect that....but it did. How silly is that? This was just yesterday! Really....Costco? I mean really.....those that know me.....Costco is my favorite store.....how could that turn into a sad trip? But it did. The funny thing is......and that blessing....is that I know why these things happen.....and I am able to know that I will be better soon.....and I will shop at Costco again....and it won't be sad.

I seem to forget each year......so I call friends and ask them.....was I sad last year at this time? Because the most amazing thing I've learned....is that with my Faith....and through my grieving process.....God allows you to forget the pain.....or maybe it's part of the healing.....if we never had good days.......how would we know how to handle the bad days? So I call....and ask, is this normal? Am I going to be o.k.? Am I going to be able to shop and not be sad? And I am told.....by the wonderful friends in my life...that yes.....you will...and yes you were sad, but you made it through!

So.....my thoughts about Thanksgiving and Christmas.....are thoughts that are different from when I was a child...and they are different than when I had all my three children with me here on earth.....but they are all my thoughts and they are my feelings. I just ask that each of you that may read this......remember that the Holiday Season....is a difficult time for so many. It is supposed to be a time of great memories......and a time to honor our Savior....and I do....but sometimes....it's also a sad time......so pray for us...that at moments when we are just a little sad....and are just missing having loves ones around us....that we remember the legacy that they have left with us.

One more thought....really:) I want to share something with you. One of the greatest joys of the Christmas season...is getting all the Christmas cards.......I treasure seeing each year how the kids have grown up through the years.....and I love feeling connected with people. Most of you don't know this......but mailing out Christmas cards....has been the one great sadness for me. The last Christmas card that was sent out was the Christmas after Meghan passed away. It was the last family picture that was taken. Some of you never even got that card....because I started sending them out....and then I had to stop...it was just to hard. Since then.....I have ordered cards...with pictures....I even did a Happy New Year Card one year...thinking that maybe I could send that one out. But I was never able to do that. I have a box of each years cards.....and I have ordered and received this years. When I order them....I think I'm going to be able to send them out.....but it's just to hard. Crazy....and pathetic....but so true. So I guess I just want you all to know.....that is way you've never recieved a card from us. Maybe I'll get this years out....maybe not.....maybe one day....you'll get them all...who knows? I can only hope and pray......

Thank you for letting me write.....for when I do this.....my heart gets a little bit lighter....and it also just makes me feel a little bit closer to Meghan.....silly, I know!:)

I love you all!

Have a very Happy Thanksgiving.....and a very Merry Christmas.....:)

LeAnn

Four Years later.....

Hello Friends and Family!

Today is October 8th, 2010. It is four years since Meghan left us. I think about those "lost" four years with her....and my heart just aches for her touch and her hands. But I also think about the almost eight years we had with her....and I am so very blessed. One of my favorite kids - Andrew Delevett, posted on his facebook about the dashes between your birth and your death.....the dashes are what is important. This is so very true....but I wonder about the invisible dashes that come after their death date. I have learned in this journey...that there may be many more dashes after....we just don't see them.

So many people said after Meghan died, that they will always remember her, and what an impact she had on their lives. I hoped that people meant that, and were not just saying that.....and I have learned....all of you haven't forgotten....and she really did touch peoples lives then, and she still does now. I can't possibly, today, write those all down....but she continues to change lives in people close to me....and those that I havn't even met. Meghan was a gift to us....for a short time, but she was and continues to be one of my greatest gifts of my life.

I think back four years ago....and remember Tracy telling me....all you have to do is breathe. I thought that was the most difficult thing to be able to do.....imagine...breathing comes naturally....but it seemed like I couldn't even do that. But I did.....and I continue too. I have said so many times...that I don't like this road that I have been given to walk......and you know.....there are points in that road that I hate....but the rest of the road I have walked on....and continue to walk on, is pretty wonderful. I have learned instead of looking down that dark road....(that sometimes looked like there was no light at the end of it) with fear, I look down that bright road...with hope and with stronger strides than I did four years ago. I didn't think it was possible...but it was, and it is. And I truly believe that the only way I was able to walk along that road of loss, anger, fear, heartache and utter dispair....was because I had our Holy Lord.....holding me up and guiding me along this road and I had so many of you......walking beside me also! I treasure and love all of you.....that may read this or may not...that is cool either way! Remember I write this...just to get it out of my heart:):)

I had my tears last night...and today...I just want to honor Meghan....and all the children.....that have gone before their parents. I don't want this to be a sad day for anyone.....I know it is sad not having our Meghan here....but it is sad everyday. So go about your day....and remember her big blue eyes and her snotty attitude at times....but most of all remember her love of everyone......for she loved everyone....and her love of Jesus. I am so proud of her and so proud of her faith....even at such a young age. Many of us wiser and older people....could be more like her....For Jesus said..."Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it: Mark 10: 14-15

I love you Meghan - today and everyday....I miss your sweet smile, your sweet sweet hands....and your hugs and kisses. Know that everyday here.....is a day closer to you.

I love you all!

LeAnn

School's Out!

Hey,

I'm just writing, cause I have too. Please understand....I do this just so that I can have some Peace in my heart.....when part of me just seems like I can't find it. So just ignore.....cause I'm warning you....I'm a little bit sappy tonight:)

It's now 12:50 a.m. on Saturday, Mary 29, 2010. Michael and Jordan finished up school yesterday.....and today was their first day of summer vacation! Jordan slept until noon.....once he's finally quiet.....he'll sleep forever:)

The last few days have been just a rollarcoaster of emotions......I've read a zillion Facebook updates on friend's childrens......kids that I know and love. Tonight a number of my "extended Kids" have graduated from High School.....I'm so proud of all of them.....and I know....that God has great plans for them. In case you don't know this about me.....I'm a pretty emotional person.....and I've thought of each of these kids....and remembered when they came into my life.....and what they mean to me......anther group have graduated and will go off to college in the Fall......a process of life.....and a change .....and I really do hate change. I know change is what life here on earth is all about....but change is such a difficult thing for me to do. I want everything the same.....and just about everyday.....I want to go back.....to a time when my heart was complete....when I didn't feel like a part of me was lost forever.......a time when I could read about other friends childrens accomplishments....and not feel such an ache in my heart.....for the accomplishments and awards...that I will never see for my little girl...Meghan. I guess when you don't know....what the accomplishments would be.....you tend to think she would have gotten them all.....not that awards are critical here on earth.....but awards are awards.....the sign of success and a job well done! I know that no award is as important....as the greatest award that Meghan has already received, but they are like a pat on the back.....a "hey, you've done a great job! I guess it's a mark...that a Mommy and Daddy have done a good job....of teaching their child.....to go out into this world....and leave a mark behind. So I guess, as much as a child is excited to receive an award....I feel that a parent gets more joy out of that award....or diploma.....or great crct scores....and I guess that me....Meghan's momma....didn't get to finish getting her awards......I know....sounds so lame....sounds so stupid....but it's true.....I just wish that I was able to post all the great things about her.....about her finishing elementary....and about her heading to Middle School....and maybe that she got the best Math scores.....I know...I warned you....pretty emotional this week!

I don't want anyone to think that I am not so very proud of my boys....Michael and Jordan....for I am....they are amazing young men.....but let's face it.....if I'm not screaming at them to do their homework......or bring their books home......then it's not normal around here. I know...I probably would be doing the same with Meghan...but that's the thing....I don't know....and we pretend to think things would be different, when we really don't know:)

Another thing.....it sounds like I'm harping about all the other children's successes....I'm not....I read through everyone of my Facebook updates.....and I am so very proud of each child's aocomplishments.....I cried while reading many of them.....I cried with pride, and I cried with a longing....a longing of wishing and wanting. I've had friends tell me.....don't bother with facebook right now.....don't read them....but you know....I can't:) For I know that even through my sorrow.......God has given me such wonderful kids in my life......to show me and teach me...that life goes on, and kids grow up....and yes....change occurs.

So....I've gone on long enough.....silly thoughts in my head.....wishes in my heart...so I guess I'll just end with this:

Sweet little Meghan...she finished 5th grade....she graduated with God next to her....and so many little friends around her.....she's heading into Middle School...and I know that she will accomplish many great things....for her teacher is the almighty one.....and he's leading her and guiding her...until her momma sees her again.

Love you sweet Meghan....always have, always will:)

Love,

Momma:)

School's out soon!

Hello Everyone,

It's been along time since I've posted. I tend to get so busy in other things....like prayer blankets for Romania....and I've been doing really good lately.....so don't like to sit down and reflect much, when I'm in a "good" place.

Gonna just write for a few......for most of you reading this, you have not experienced the loss of a child....and I am so grateful that there are just a few of us in this group that have. I've been kind of sad the last few weeks, and kept wondering why I can't seem to snap out of it. I've been super busy and so excited about our Mission Trip to Romania.....just six weeks from tomorrow and I just havn't been able to figure out why I'm in this slump. I was driving home from Michael and Jordan's school earlier....and realized what the main reason is. It's May.....school will be out in about three weeks....shorter for all my Senior extended kids out there. When someone suffers a loss of any kind, we will always have those anniversary's that are marked each year....birthdays that are not celebrated anymore and Holiday without our loved ones. With the loss of a child, I have experienced that the two hardest times of the year.....are August when school starts and May when school ends. When school starts....it's so exciting each year, as a parent, to send your little ones off to school.....and even more exciting when they came home....and told you everything that they had learned that day....who they played with, and what they ate for lunch.

The main reason we moved after Meghan passed away was because her school bus stopped in front of our house....and I just couldn't take one more bus with Meghan not getting off of it. I don't think I ever see a bus without thinking about Meghan jumping out of it.....running in the front door to give me a hug....and start her homework. These are treasured memories....that I will forever cherish.

Meghan had just over two years of riding the bus with her friends.....and loving every minute of it.

I was visiting Michael's old middle school a couple of weeks ago......helping to serve some lunch to some awesome teachers....that our church wanted to honor. I havn't been back there since Michael left Edwards Middle School half way through his 8th grade year. I was looking at all the kids in the lunchroom and remembering when Kelly and I had gone up to Edwards to check it out.....because our little boys - Michael and Chase would be starting there in the Fall. It was the same time of the year as when I was there....I remember thinking how big the kids looked, and how I just didn't want Michael to grow up and go there. Then I reflected that Michael will be a Senior in High school this Fall.....where has the time gone....he was just going to enter 6th grade. Then it hit me......really hit me.....Meghan would be that age now.....she would be entering the 6th grade - Middle school in the Fall....if she was still here with us. Again, I wondered how could that be? She was just in 2nd grade. So this brings us to the other hardest time of the year....the end of school each year.

The end of school, especially in mile stones....like ending elementary.....were always such a huge part of my life, and the boys life. It's the time of the year that you reflect on how they have grown, what they have accomplished, how much detention they have had....:) Just joking...but Jordan is at school right now....with his first detention......:) How ironic! As a mother to three great kids......I have always been so proud of their accomplishments.....I just wish that I could have had more with Meghan. She will always be my little 2nd grader...reading and being great in Math! It's so hard to imagine all the things that she would have learned and accomplished. She would be most likely finishing her last year at Barksdale......I so wish that I could have been a part of her fifth grade celebration, as I was for Michael and Jordan. It's seems like it was yesterday when she was graduationg from preschool, or finishing up Kindergarden. I just miss those milestones......but I also know, that what she has learned in the last 3-1/2 years is far more than she would have ever learned here.....and what a teacher she has had. She has been blessed, but I will forever feel a loss like only someone that has experienced this can understand. All her little friends....are bigger friends.....and I havn't seen so many of them since they were little.

I'm just rambling, but need to just write this out.....so I can let it go, this end-of-the school year 2010. Jordan is finishing up 9th grade....and Michael is finishing up 11th grade. I will have a sophomore and a senior next year....where has the time gone. I am so proud of them. But I also just to need to remind myself....and you out there....I also have a little girl....that would be graduating from 5th grade......and she will be a Middle Schooler next year. How cool is that?

Please remember this time of the year.... for I believe this is just not something I experience...but I believe any parent that has lost a child.....goes through the same or similar feelings that I do....remember them this time of the year. And please remember a family in Conyers....that experienced the loss of both of their children last month. Their son, would be graduationg from High School in a couple of weeks....and would be attending Georgia Tech in the Fall....and their daughter would be finishing up 8th grade and heading to High School in the Fall. These are trying times for this family especially....for graduations go on, school ends, and then it starts up all over again in the Fall. I know God intends for life to go on, but sometimes it's just difficult to see life go on all around you, and a part of your life has forever stopped.

Just a quick note to Meghan:

Hey there Meghan....I think of you everyday and can't believe you would be finishing up 5th grade....where has the time gone. You were just learning to write in cursive....I wonder if your handwriting has gotten better than mine has ever been? I am so proud of you sweetie.....always have been, always will. Can you believe Michael is going to be a Senior? And he's going to try out for Football? Crazy hugh? And Jordan.....he's taller than me....when did that happen? Did you see that before I even knew? I still worry so much about both of them. I know that Jordan had a rough night this week. He was missing you! Did you see him cry for you? I wish that you could tell him that you are doing good....and that you miss him too....and that we'll see you again someday. Can you let them both know....how incredably proud your Daddy and I are of the them? They both are so smart...but just don't seem to believe that or believe us. God gave us three beautiful perfect children.....and I am forever grateful for that. Mommy just wanted you to know......I love you....and know how excited you would be to leave elementary...and head to Middle School.....even if I know I would have told you....that you were too little to be going there. I know you're watching over all your friends....that are growing up.....thank you for being the beautiful friend, sister, daughter and student that you always were. I love you....always have, always will. I'm forever a mommy of three.

Thank you all for letting me write.....and letting me feel. May every child out there be so very proud of their accomplishments.....and for every parent to let their kids know that!

Love to all!

LeAnn