Meghan - It's your Birthday!

Happy Happy Birthday.......my sweet sweet Meghan!

Dear Meghan,

Can you believe you are 11 already? I remember, like it was yesterday....you were so excited for your 8th birthday to come........the things we were going to do and the gifts that you wanted....seems so long ago....yet how can it be number 11 already?

I miss you so much Meggie Moo.....what did you do today? Did you dance with Jesus? I sit here just thinking about one of my favorite songs.....I can only imagine....I do that so often...imagine what Heaven is like...what Jesus really looks like.....who you're hanging with and if you think about us. Do you remember me? Do you forgive me for not keeping you safe? I believe you remember me, my hugs and my love for you. I believe you were with me this morning when I woke up with such a heavy heart. This is the hardest day of the year for your momma. When you were born....you made our family complete. It's hard for me not to wonder sometimes if you made us complete...then what are we now? I woke up this morning remembering you entering this world......and couldn't help feeling so very guilty that I couldn't finish the job of watching you grow up. I failed at keeping you safe from harm. This occupies my mind at different times...but on your birthday...I feel so inadequate as your momma. I know you're shaking your head....and if I am to believe everything I've been taught, and truly believe, you're just wanting to yell at me...momma...this is an amazing place.....I wouldn't change it for the moon. I know this in my heart....but my mind still just sometimes can't get past the raw pain of missing you. You know that we are all doing so much better each day....and at times I feel so very guilty about that. I have just recently been able to start dreaming again and wondering what the future holds for me.......I know that you want this for all of us. My dreams will never be what they used to be.....they can't be...but I've got new ones....with your memories such a part of them.

I love you Meghan......hard to believe this is the fourth birthday without you. We only had seven with you.....I fear for the day that we will have more without you than with you. But I will face that day when it comes. Not worry about what tommorrow holds:) Do you remember Ms. Kim Bergstrom? She taught you the St. Lucia dance so many years ago? Well when we moved to Atlanta...she framed a favorite verse of hers and mine....for we are both worriers.....

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own". matthew 6:34

I keep reminding myself of this. It has gotten better...and I will try and worry what the future holds...when it gets here. I love you sweet Meghan.

I was driving back this evening, trying to remember your last three birthdays. Do you know that I remember the first birthday.....without you.....we carved pumpkins with all the neighbors....had a little party and released balloons. The next year.....I have no memory of what we did. None at all. I am so sorry for that. I think that was part of the "year" that I don't remember alot of. I lost a year....and I can't seem to get it back. I remember last year....we planted pink tulips and released 10 balloons up to you. Today....I know you saw, the 11 pink balloons we sent up. Did you see Claudia sending three your way? And sweet Molly sending up one to you? Kristi was there, Michael, Jordan, Dad, Pablo, Stacey and Debbie.....(well...poor Debbie.....we forgot about her:(:( Did you see Kerra and Kate come over to see them go up, up and away? We all love you sweetie...so many people miss you and remember you.....I am so blessed, am I not?

What a day it was. I spent the afternoon getting my Molly time.....were you and Lauren watching us? Is Lauren so proud of her new little sister? Meghan....I know you know....that Molly has touched so many lives. She has been a huge part of me learning to love a little girl again.....without the fear.....of losing again. She has made me start to dream again.....what a little miracle she is. I know that she has been a gift from above for all of us down here that needed to learn to love again and not be afraid. Meghan.....she is just one gift from the Lord.....in the midst of tragedy......good does come from it. It's a hard thing to understand and grasp...until you grieve and start living again. Molly....and our friendship with her family....is a gift that came out of a tragedy. Ms. Stacey and I were talking today, about you and Lauren....being together last week for Lauren's 11th birthday, and today for your 11th birthday. What are the odds of that? I'm glad you were together......celebrating and being 11 together.

Now, on to a couple of funny things today.....I'm wondering if you had any part in them??? When I went to buy the balloons....they were cheaper by the dozen....so I bought 12. You know....I always like to save your daddy some money. So out we come with all 12. We have Kristi and Molly in the back seat. So Ms. Stacey.....the phd that she is and I attempt to get all 12 in the car....remember now, I don't have the van anymore....got a G6....not that big. So we attempt to get in the car....and we just couldn't all fit. So out Kristi goes with 4 balloons and puts them in the trunk. Off we go. We get driving....and we hear a big pop. A balloon has popped. We laugh and wonder if they will all pop. (I might remind you this is after I explain to the lady putting air in the balloons..that no I don't need them to last longer than 8 hours and no I don't need any weights put on them to stop them from flying away....and no that black balloon that says over the hill...is not my balloon. -God is always trying make me laugh:)

Well long story short....only the one popped....I really think it was a reminder from you that "I'm not 12, I'm 11". Does make me laugh!

Then we go to dinner.....Molly has thrown up all over Kristi...then Jordan wants to hold her....well you saw what happened there......throw up all over him. He looks up says...She just threw up on me....I don't want her.......priceless.....God kept making us laugh. Then you know what happened next......your momma takes her and you got it.....throw up all over me....need I say...all down my shirt. Jordan just laughed and laughed. It was priceless. But do you remember what happened right before that........God working his love again......were you and Lauren just watching and waiting. Were you the first two to know that Stacey and Pable were going to ask us to be God Parents to Molly? Look at the blessings again......The Lord keeps blessing us.....bringing light into our lives...we are honored and blessed. What a blessing at the end of a long day. I love you sweet Meghan.....and I love our Lord...our Father....who keeps giving me Love through those around me. I am so blessed Meghan........I miss you so much....but I am also so blessed.

Well......just wanted to write what was on my heart today. I could go on and on......but enough for tonight.....I'm emotionally exhausted. I love you sweet Meghan. I miss you so much.......I'm so sorry I don't remember your ninth birthday.........I know you were in Heaven....but I don't know what I did.

One more thing......everyday I wonder...what you look like, how tall you are.....all that stuff that I should know....but I don't. I never will know....but about 6 weeks ago, I was at the soccer fields....and was talking to Ms. Heather Kersch.......when up walks Kylie.....I know you remember her......she shared her birthday with you. She turned 11 today also. Anyways up she walks....and she was so grown up. She was so tall. I just kept staring at her...wondering if you were as tall as her? Are you? Because I just remember you being 7........you were still little....at least in my eyes you were. I love you sweetie. I miss you and will always treasure your "birth" day. It was one of the three best days of my life!

Happy Happy Birthday - to my sweet Meggie Moo!!

I love you,

Mommy

xxoo

Hello everyone!

Been alot going on the past few weeks....mainly just keeping real busy. I just wanted to post a guick note....Today is Glen and my 18th wedding anniversary!

Woke up this morning....remembering that day....smiling. I also had such a heavy heart also. I remember that day.....our beginning...we had such hopes and dreams. I thought we would conquer the world. I always wanted three children....he was hoping two would be enough:):) When I go to weddings now......as most of you probably do, you remember your own. You cry....and you pray for their future. You pray for happiness, love and a long life for them. I remember thinking those very thoughts for us 18 years ago.

Glen was my best friend then and he is my best friend now. I have been so blessed to have him by my side all this time. We have had so many joyful times......and a few sad ones. Through it all....he has been by my side....holding me up when I needed him to...and walking beside me (well....really always behind me....cause I walk so darn fast) when I could walk on my own. The Lord has blessed my life more than I can even express when he brought us together.....with the help of our Fairy Godmother - Mrs. Neumann!

When I mentioned earlier about having a heavy heart....I'm sure you know why. When we took our vows...through good times and bad times........I never thought the bad times, could be so bad. We had such hopes and dreams.....and I am just starting to believe in dreams and a future that will be filled with new hopes and dreams. Glen's cup is always 1/2 full.......and I am so very thankful for that....for far to often, mine is 1/2 empty. He is always my sunshine on a cloudy day. God blessed Glen with the patience of a saint and a heart as big as infinity.

Meghan's 11th birthday will be in two days. I remember when she was born...Glen saying to me..."I bet you'll never go away on our Anniversary now....because you won't want to miss Meghan's birthday". He was right. We laughed. This will be our 4th anniversary without Meghan...it gets easier each year....but this day still seems to be overshadowed by the tremendous pain of not having her here. I sometimes can't help but think back and remember us laughing about never going away for an anniversary.......never thinking that something else was planned.

So I guess what I'm trying to express....is that I am so blessed to have Glen with me.....my rock....and also that I have memories of our Anniversary blending with Meghan's birthday....what a blessing those years were. I also feel that as I continue this walk......I can do so and not feel so sad about celebrating the love we have for each other.....it seems like it didn't feel right to be joyful....when there was so much pain in not having Meghan with us. I also want to say I'm so sorry Glen....for the previous years...when I just couldn't be so happy......even when I knew I should be joyful. God brought us together...and through his strength...we are here....four anniversarys later......I am blessed!

I loved you then, love you now.....always have, always will.

Happy Anniversary Bubba! I love you!

Me xxoo

Hello everyone!

Well it is 9:15 on Thursday night, October 8, 2009. I sit here with a million thoughts in my head. I am just so tired and wore out that I'm not sure what I'm going to type.

I first want to just say...that I hope I don't make people sad...or not want to hear my words...that's o.k. Almost three years ago....a wonderful Therapist told me that I needed to write my feelings out and my experiences from Meghan's accident and death. Well...lets just say that it took awhile......he said that I needed to do it five times....hand write it out...so that I could feel the emotions and relive the experience....each time you hand wrote it out....your experience and pain would become less painful and more like an experience where you look down at it...you're not living in it....but living through it. (He said something like this) I didn't like it....I didn't want to write it....and I finally did...but only three times. I didn't feel the pain lesson...and I didn't want to relive it over and over again. It was painful and I didn't see how this would help. I did it that one time and that's it. Please...imagine hand writing all your emotions five times.......my arm hurt and I didn't like it. I told him and he didn't ask again. He kept encouraging me to write, journal - anything to get my emotions out. No way did I want to do that....because I had already learned that when you wrote it out....you felt it. I didn't want to feel. I just wanted to get through it and not feel. It's funny that three years later, I've found a space to type...not write. So my compromise was the no going back and reading and editing...so that is way you will probably get a complete mess of things. Thoughts everywhere.......not beginning sometimes and not ending sometimes. Maybe someday I'll send him this link. I think he would be happy.....however way I was doing it.

I wanted to explain my day today. I did a very fun thing today...although some of you may wonder...is she crazy? Yes....I am, at least Michael and Jordan think I am:) Stacey and Buffey
were going to go shopping today. The original plan was that Stacey, Molly and Claudia would come over after they were done...spend the afternoon with me. Yesterday I realized that I needed to go with them...for me, and for Meghan, Molly, Claudia and Lilly (although the last three have no idea what today meant to me) So I called Stacey and said I'm coming....I don't want to intrude, but I'd like to come. She said you are not intruding....but know that you don't have to come if it's to painful. I said if it was, I'd call her in the morning. I woke up and knew I was going. you see they were going to The American Girl Store......the last time I had been in one was to Get Meghan a doll for Christmas. Michigan Tracy (no e), Nancy (from Colorado) and myself had gone to Chicago for a Christmas shopping weekend. I had so much fun....buying Meghan's Marasol (spelling?) doll...I remember we got Ashley Barnard some stuff too! The next time I was in Chicago, with Michigan Tracy (no e) I had to have her make sure I didn't see the store. I remember walking around things so I didn't see the store. I had a great morning today....holding Lilly's hand around the store....her eyes wide open trying to decide on her favorite doll. (It changed with each outfit she saw on that particular doll) and Claudia....picking out her new animals.....paying for them with her own money. As I walked around the store.....I felt happiness for them. I was doing good...and I was thinking about their Joy and their happiness. I am blessed for this morning, for my "extended girls"and for Stacey and Buffey letting me come along. This morning was huge.....silly but huge!

I carried Molly around all morning......smiling and bragging about Molly when anyone asked me about her.......how old is she? What is her name? etc. I would answer and agree when they told me how beautiful she was. Then I would say...and there's her Mom....or her comes her Mom. Just to let people know that I agreed with them....she is so precious...but wanted them to know the real mommy. It was going real good that way, until we were standing in line at Chic Fil A. I was holding Little Molly looking at the menu and some nice lady came up and asked me all about Molly.....her age, her name...how sweet she was...and then how fast they grow. I said yes, I know, and her comes her Mom...up walks Stacey, and that nice lady looks at her and then me...and proceeds to say....I wondered about that...if you were her mom...I'm thinking great...she's wondering how I could have such a flat stomach so soon...when she completes her sentence....you know I wondered about that, but then thought you know people are starting later and later in life to start a family! Yes....I laughed...not cried. It was the moment of the day.....when I knew...I'm going to be o.k. I didn't even cry over her calling me old! Just thought I'd share the funniest part of the day!

O.K. I really am tired...but want to share something else. When I got home...I started reading all my FB postings and notes. Wow..all of you amaze me and I thank you for your words and for remembering Meghan.

Three years ago....at this time....It was approaching the "time" to let our Meghan go. I have to tell you it was the hardest decision I ever had to make...and also one of the easiest...I remember Glen and I talking and saying.....there is only one person that Loves Meghan more than her mommy and daddy.....and that is our God. That is the only way....the only way...we were able to let her go...to be with our "holy father" to be with the great comforter, the almight healer...for she was going to be healed and comforted by her "father". This was no special thing....it just was...we just knew. We just knew she was going to be o.k......never for a moment have I worried about Meghan....and I thank my Mom for starting my Faith Journey.....for I knew and believed.

I put these thoughts down....because I'm just trying to understand Faith and grief and loss. As I read different peoples thoughts on FB...I just kept feeling the thought...that any of you would be an inspiration to others. I don't feel like I've done anything right....I have made so many mistakes these last three years. Some days I feel like I'm grieving to much....crying to much...or then not crying enough. You know....I don't feel special....I don't feel inspirational...I feel like I have just done what I could on any given day. Maybe it's just hard to take compliments...but I believe that I just get through each day with God by my side. This is nothing special....we all have him by our side....sometimes we're just not looking for him. I have always hated the comment...God will not give you more than you can handle. Hate that.....always have, always will.....because I don't want anymore...but you know....somehow it's true. But you have to believe and you have to accept his help. Noone can do this alone. But sometimes people do.....or at least they try....but they will fail. So I guess, I don't know, that I'm trying to say....it's not me, it's not Glen, it's not us.....it's him....Our Holy One...that is the inspiration...the strength behind our strength. It is not my strength.....it is his strength.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." phil 4:13

Lots of words...emotions...and feelings. All rambling on together.

I love you all. Goodnight! Until next time.

Love,

LeAnn (Michael, Jordan and Meghan's Momma:)

Three Years Ago

Hey everyone,

Well, let's try this out. Yesterday I tried to post a long status update on FB. I had too many words...imagine that:):)

I wanted to write what I was thinking yesterday, before I write about today.

Here was yesterday's supposed post:

I held Molly Dopico (Lauren and Claudia's little sister) all morning, embracing the love that the lord has for all of us. Three years ago today, we got that dreaded phone call that no parent ever wants to get. This is the 3rd anniversary of the day our family (and friends) lives were turned upside down. So many images flash into my mind from three years ago....so many are ones that i try and shove aside the rest of the year. Those are the sad images. But three years later.....the sad images are so outnumbered by the good images....the loving images....the images of Jesus working in all those around me.

I need to let everyone know that I have seen how Jesus has been using all of you, in different ways, to be his hands and feet.....ministering to my family and I.

I used to really believe that God didn't love me....because I must have done something horribly wrong for him to have taken such a gift back....my little Meghan. I am learning that he has always loved me......and he was using all of you to show me his love. There are so many things that I don't recall from three years ago....I guess it's God's protection, but I remember the people coming over, the food being brought over (especially Kerra's rolls....and Panera Bread from Anne Sienne) I know you're surprised that I remember the food stuff! I remember Michael and Jordan being watched over and loved, when I was to afraid to love them and lose them. I remember clothes being bought for them (because you never have funeral clothes:) I remember constant cards, prayers and the love that surrounded us, and still does.

Sometimes we may all wonder, "what can I possibly do to help them?" You all just did it.....even when it was so hard for you to do....you were all grieving too....but set aside your own grief...to help me with my grief. I am forever grateful. I didn't truly know how you were all feeling until little Lauren left us too. I remember seeing Pablo and Stacey at church, after Lauren died. I remember them walking up to the altar to pray....the look in their faces and the sadness you could feel. I looked over and saw what all of you had been seeing in me for 11 months. I remember saying to Glen....I wish I could just take their pain away. I knew at that instant all the pain you had been feeling for us. It is quite a load to carry, I might say.

I would like to think of three years ago being the Anniversary of the day that I really had to trust and believe in all my teachings of the Lord....with me letting go...and each of you catching me when I felt like falling.

Three years later.....I am here and I am stronger. I would be lying if I said I didn't want my Meghan here.....because I still wish she was with me....I wish I could give her one more kiss, one more hug, one more brush of her beautiful hair, one more bath, one more of everything. I really just want to finish being her mom and watch her grow up, but this is not to be. So three years later, I still want her by my side, but I know.....because of her Faith in the Lord, and my Faith in the Lord....we will finish those one more times in eternity.

I remember Michigan Tracy (no e) saying to me so long ago...."LeAnn, all you have to do is breathe"......sounds like a simple thing, but three years ago....I wasn't sure I could do that a minute without Meghan. But you know, she was right (yeah - for once you are) with the Lord by my side, and all of you...we have gotten through very difficult times......but also times of great memories and times of meeting new friends....welcoming new pets....and believing in each other.
Glen and I made a vow, at the hospital, that this was not going to destroy our marriage or harm Michael and Jordan anymore than they had already experienced. Three years later, I love my Bubba even more......I am truly blessed to have him by my side. I am so very proud of Michael and Jordan...the strength and love they have shown me....even when I didn't see it, because I was so wrapped up in my own grief, will be forever etched in my heart. This has been a long three years for them.....of a Mom that wasn't there for them alot of the time.....because I just couldn't be....I was just to afraid of losing again. I thank them for trusting that I would return....I am blessed.

In closing, I just want to say that as I held little Molly this morning.....I realized that I wouldn't have even known her if not for three years ago. And how can you not be blessed by holding a new gift from God? I love you all.

o.k.....those were yesterday's thoughts....I have a zillion more from today...but just way to tired. I am not one that is going to back up and edit, spell check and all that stuff smart people do...so what you read...is what I'm feeling. Bad grammar, spelling and all!

Good Night all!

My first blog.....

Hello everyone,

I'm just testing this blog thing. I have so many emotions and feelings....I will share them soon.