Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Who am I?
Yesterday I was cleaning my bedroom and found a journal that I had written in after Meghan died. I only wrote in it for about 5 weeks. I remember I stopped writing because it was so hard to put my feelings down. As I read my words from 5-1/2 years ago....I cried and I remembered those feelings. I still have alot of those feelings....but I also can say that I don't have that raw ache and pain that consumed me for such a long time. God does indeed bless us with time to heal. Here are some entries I made.
10/18/06
Why Meghan - why not me?? I love her so - it's sometimes so hard to breathe - how can I never know the touch of her sweet lips or her loving arms wrapped around me? How? How? How? I love her so.....
10/25/06
Thank you Lord for another day - each breathe I take is a hard one - but I know you are helping me with each breathe.
Glen wonders if Meghan will remember us when we meet again - she will Lord, won't she?
Will I ever be happy again? I love my boys and Glen so much - we have to be o.k. Lord - be strong in my boy's lives - they know you and trust you - keep guiding them.
10/26/06
Today is Daddy and Mommy's anniversary - 15 years! What a glorious day it was 15 years ago. I love him more today than 15 years ago - I find that hard to believe because I loved him so much then. We had such dreams about our lives together. You were part of those dreams.
It's so hard to be happy today and want to celebrate an anniversary without you here. You were part of God's plan for our lives and family. I never thought in a million years that my 15th anniversary could be such a sad day for mommy. I want you here so badly - giving us a hug and kiss and making us one of your precious cards.
Your Birthday is 2 days away - you'll be 8! You were counting down the days - I bet Grandma and Jesus have a big day planned for you! We have a big day planned for you too! We will always celebrate your special day - because you will always be a part of who we are!
10/27/06 4:41 p.m.
My Sweet Little Meghan - tomorrow you should have been celebrating your birthday with us - #8. Instead you will celebrate with God, Grandma and all his might Angels - we will celebrate in your honor - my sweet little Megga Moo!
10:20 p.m. - Goodnight Sweet Meghan - I'm having a hard time just breathing tonight - I miss you so much - 8 years ago I went to bed not knowing you would be here the next day - tonight I go to bed knowing you won't be here tomorrow - how hard this is for me. How unfair it seems to me.
Thank you Lord for getting me through this day - 3 weeks from when my life changed forever.
10/28/06 11:15 p.m.
What a birthday party we had for you today - I hope you saw it all! Did you see all your friends here? Making you notes and sending them up to you on balloons? We all love you so much and miss you so much.
It was so hard without you - I shed so many tears for you - How can this be real? You should have been running in our room this morning - telling us it was your birthday. Audrey and Trepp were here - they miss you so much too!
Thank you Lord for this day - your love and comfort helped get us through this day - without you - we wouldn't be able to go on. I thank all my friends and family - what would we do without you all!
------------------------------
I will share more some other time....emotions are getting the best of me:)
You're probably wondering where today's post came from? Well - here goes. I was walking this morning and thinking about a wonderful lady - that I've never even met - who lost her 19 year old son about 8 months ago. She had posted in her Facebook Status during the night the following:
"I don't know who I am or what I'm doing in Life.".....I don't know me anymore"
This really hit home for me. There are still so many times that I ask that question of myself.....Who am I? I remember a friend saying to me sometime after Meghan died...it's good to have the old LeAnn back....I remember being so angry....because I wasn't that LeAnn anymore....I never would be her again. I still look at pictures from before Meghan died....and say....I want to be her again. My brain knows that I'll never be her....but my heart really wants to be her. As I was walking today....I was thinking about that. I was thinking that really....we can never be that person we were yesterday. I'll never be the daughter I was before my mom passed away....and I'll never be that Mom I was before Meghan died. We all go through life experiences....losses, blessings, weight gain, weight loss....but we'll never be that person from yesterday. I ask that you say a prayer for all of us...that we accept who we are today....and embrace who we will be tomorrow.
One thing I know for sure....that yesterday I was a mother of three...and tomorrow I will be too!
Much love to you all!
LeAnn
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Backpacks and Memories
May 21, 2012
Hello!
I just got back from a 90 minute walk. I walk alot lately and while I walk...I think. I write things down in my mind, wishing that there was something that would instantly write down what I am thinking. It would make life so much easier. It would write down your feelings....without you really having to write them out, because I hate writing things out...because it makes you relive moments...the good and the bad.
I was thinking about this time of the year - school is getting out...the kids are a year older...awards are being handed out and summer plans are being made. These are some of my random thoughts:
1. I love seeing all of the kids I know and love get awards. I love to see them accomplish great things.
2. I am blessed to see so many of Meghan's friends grow up and become sweet teenagers.
3. I admit, I get a little sad that I'll never know the awards that Meghan would have received. I also get mad about that.
4. On the plus side....I smiled earlier and thought....heck, the one benefit of never knowing....is dreaming that she would have gotten every darn award out there. So, I'm taking this dream and letting you all know...she got all the awards....top in her class for everything....the nicest student....the smartest...and the kindness:) She really is perfect:)
5. I'm thinking she would be a cheerleader with Audrey....I love to think they would still be BFF's. She would cheer the YACS teams on:) She would make the school have cheerleaders for Soccer - and she would cheer Jordan on!
These are just some thoughts....
I wanted to really write down a wonderful memory I have and I thought why not here, so here goes.
I can remember that day like it was yesterday. We were walking into the mall in Traverse City, Michigan and Glen called. He told me that Meghan had gotten her teacher letter for 2nd grade. He told us that she had gotten Mrs. Watkins....who we were praying she would get. Meghan was so excited. We walked into the mall to get school supplies. We walked by Children's Place and there in the window were backpacks. And there....was the one she wanted....the leopard print backpack! You see, Mrs. Watkins is a huge leopard print lady....and Meghan had to have that one. We bought it....and she was thrilled:) I swear....it feels like yesterday...but in July, it will be 6 years.
I tell you this story....because I want to share what I did this week. I opened that same backpack for the first time. It has been on a shelf in our closet since we moved. That sweet leopard backpack...that looks brand new. I opened it...because I had to.
It has been 5-1/2 years...and for many, you probably think...it's been 5-1/2 years - get over it. But you see, I never was able to go through her backpack...or really through the process of this great grief. Most probably think I have....I say the right things alot of the time....I cry mostly in private. But in reality...I feel like I'm just starting to go through this. I keep going around it....over it, under it.....hide from it...run from it....but now is finally the time that I think I can go through it.
So I write....as a part of this walk through it. You don't have to read...that's cool....but I will continue to write.....for now is the time.
In that sweet backpack...was her sweatshirt she wore to school that last day. It's purple....her favorite color. Her signed behavior report was in there. Signed most nights by Glen. Some papers were in there. But the greatest treasure I found in that backpack.....in a little pocket on the side....were two pair of her earrings. Little earrings that she had worn. One pair were her favorite earrings from her Aunt Laurie and Uncle Dan....her red ruby ones. I was not able to find them after, and thought they had been lost. So you see, as hard as it was going through the backpack....look at the treasure I found. I showed them to Jordan that night and told him that if he had a little girl someday.....they would go to her.
I think I'm done writing right now. I think this was enough today. Can I share one more thing? I'm thinking that as you empty your kids backpack this week....think of me maybe and say a prayer. Say a prayer for all the moms and dads that don't have a backpack to empty this year.
As I start to walk through this....I will continue to write...:)
Love to all of you!
Hello!
I just got back from a 90 minute walk. I walk alot lately and while I walk...I think. I write things down in my mind, wishing that there was something that would instantly write down what I am thinking. It would make life so much easier. It would write down your feelings....without you really having to write them out, because I hate writing things out...because it makes you relive moments...the good and the bad.
I was thinking about this time of the year - school is getting out...the kids are a year older...awards are being handed out and summer plans are being made. These are some of my random thoughts:
1. I love seeing all of the kids I know and love get awards. I love to see them accomplish great things.
2. I am blessed to see so many of Meghan's friends grow up and become sweet teenagers.
3. I admit, I get a little sad that I'll never know the awards that Meghan would have received. I also get mad about that.
4. On the plus side....I smiled earlier and thought....heck, the one benefit of never knowing....is dreaming that she would have gotten every darn award out there. So, I'm taking this dream and letting you all know...she got all the awards....top in her class for everything....the nicest student....the smartest...and the kindness:) She really is perfect:)
5. I'm thinking she would be a cheerleader with Audrey....I love to think they would still be BFF's. She would cheer the YACS teams on:) She would make the school have cheerleaders for Soccer - and she would cheer Jordan on!
These are just some thoughts....
I wanted to really write down a wonderful memory I have and I thought why not here, so here goes.
I can remember that day like it was yesterday. We were walking into the mall in Traverse City, Michigan and Glen called. He told me that Meghan had gotten her teacher letter for 2nd grade. He told us that she had gotten Mrs. Watkins....who we were praying she would get. Meghan was so excited. We walked into the mall to get school supplies. We walked by Children's Place and there in the window were backpacks. And there....was the one she wanted....the leopard print backpack! You see, Mrs. Watkins is a huge leopard print lady....and Meghan had to have that one. We bought it....and she was thrilled:) I swear....it feels like yesterday...but in July, it will be 6 years.
I tell you this story....because I want to share what I did this week. I opened that same backpack for the first time. It has been on a shelf in our closet since we moved. That sweet leopard backpack...that looks brand new. I opened it...because I had to.
It has been 5-1/2 years...and for many, you probably think...it's been 5-1/2 years - get over it. But you see, I never was able to go through her backpack...or really through the process of this great grief. Most probably think I have....I say the right things alot of the time....I cry mostly in private. But in reality...I feel like I'm just starting to go through this. I keep going around it....over it, under it.....hide from it...run from it....but now is finally the time that I think I can go through it.
So I write....as a part of this walk through it. You don't have to read...that's cool....but I will continue to write.....for now is the time.
In that sweet backpack...was her sweatshirt she wore to school that last day. It's purple....her favorite color. Her signed behavior report was in there. Signed most nights by Glen. Some papers were in there. But the greatest treasure I found in that backpack.....in a little pocket on the side....were two pair of her earrings. Little earrings that she had worn. One pair were her favorite earrings from her Aunt Laurie and Uncle Dan....her red ruby ones. I was not able to find them after, and thought they had been lost. So you see, as hard as it was going through the backpack....look at the treasure I found. I showed them to Jordan that night and told him that if he had a little girl someday.....they would go to her.
I think I'm done writing right now. I think this was enough today. Can I share one more thing? I'm thinking that as you empty your kids backpack this week....think of me maybe and say a prayer. Say a prayer for all the moms and dads that don't have a backpack to empty this year.
As I start to walk through this....I will continue to write...:)
Love to all of you!
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