Happy 13th Birthday Meghan!

It's October 28, 2011...and that makes Meghan 13 today. I can hardly believe that my baby is 13 today.

I wonder where all the time has gone....then I think that this is the 6th birthday Meghan has spent in Heaven....then I think wow....time really has flown by. It seems like yesterday she was making her grand entrance into this world.

After having two boys, you know I was hoping for a girl.... We didn't find out what we were having with any of the kids....so after two boys...I was anxiously awaiting number three and wondering if I'd be able to buy some pink clothes and hairbows. I was blessed with two wonderful boys....and lo and behold.....13 years ago...our girl was born. It was an added excitement that she was a girl. I can still remember that moment when they told me to look at my daughter. I remember the tears in Glen's eyes....and the completeness I felt having our third and final baby. We were blessed.

We had lots of Hopes and Dreams for Meghan....lots of daydreaming of dressing her in pink....and lots of wondering what a daughter would be like. I got to dress her in lots of pink....and purple....and enjoyed every moment with her. I remember her looking so much like Jordan when she was born....and I think of that quite a bit....when I try to envision what she looks like today....at the age of 13. Since we don't know.....I'm not sure what age she is in Heaven....so I don't know what she will look like...but I believe that when the time comes....she will recognize me....and I will recognize her. I think the hardest part of losing a child....is the constant wonder of what they would look like. They didn't have the change to mature and reach adulthood....so in our eye's....they are forever the size and look they were when the left us here on earth. Tracy said this morning....just think of Jordan....but in a girl way....that's cuter....with long hair. I smile, because that's what I do alot.....I know she would look similar to him....but with my shape....poor thing:)

I wonder if time on Earth is just a second in Heaven time, then she'll be little when I see her. So confusing.....and another question that won't be answered until we meet again. So many things that keep me wondering and looking for.

Reminder about my blogging.......I type and don't look back....so my thoughts wander and my proper use of English is often incorrect. I was told to type what I'm thinking.....and don't look back. So I apologize for any errors and/or missing sentences or thoughts:)

I was thinking again about all the dreams we had for Meghan. The wishes for her first walk, her first tooth....her first words (which those of you that were blessed to know her....she had lots of words)...what her interests would be, what she grow up and want to be, who she would marry...all the things that I guess all parents dream and think about.

I think of the dreams we were able to witness....and I am so very thankful for God allowing those moments...and allowing me at times to remember and for it not to hurt so much. I was looking at a photo album this morning of Meghan's birth and her first year with us. The album ends on her first birthday. I'm not sure I've been able to look at the album in a long time....or not at all. But today I was able to. I shed lots of tears....I laughed some....but I was able to look. I will accept this gift from God....and praise him that as simple as it sounds....he gave me the strength....to look and remember. I don't allow myself to look very often....for I'm just so afraid that I will hurt so bad...so I take the easy way out...and just don't look. I need to relay on God...and his strength to work through me. Not just in the happy moments of life....but in the moments when you feel like you are in the pit of despair. I need to remember my last week's Bible Study Verse: I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13.

Without his strength.....the ache in my heart would be too great to remember and to smile. The ache would become bitterness....and I would drown in sorrow. Sure......my heart still aches....and I still wish she was here. I wish all of those dreams we had for Meghan were completed here on earth. I wish that Glen was able to walk his daughter down the aisle. I wish I could see her become a momma....and know that absolute Joy that comes with being a Momma....but I can't change things. I wish I could, but I can't.

I have been with two wonderful families this week.....the Dopico's and the Caruso's who wish they could change things too....but they can't either.....so instead....we get up on our Meghan, Lauren and Kate's birthdays....and we wish they were here....we wonder what kind of parties we would be having here on Earth with them, we wonder what they are doing in Heaven and we ache to touch them one last time. We love them....we celebrate without them....we release balloons to them.....we remember...we cry....we laugh....and we continue to live....hoping that we are giving our girls something to smile about....and for me....just hoping that she doesn't notice I'm not there.....for that worries me the most. Someday I will be....and until that day....I leave her in God's hands.

Meghan......Happy Happy Birthday! You are 13 today! I want you to jump up and down.....and celebrate.....for today is your birthday! Grab your friends.....and blow out your candles.....my heart is with you......always has been.....always will be. Look for the balloons....and know that our Love is with them. Happy Happy Birthday!

Much love.....Meghan......

xxoo

Momma

Five Years - Changes

It is October 6, 2011.....and I sit on my deck in Michigan....looking out at the lake, listening to birds chirp.....and the lake glisten. It is a beautiful day....and has been a beautiful week. I am blessed to have this place to come to, and just be.

Today marks five years since the accident that changed our lives. It changed how I live, it changed how I feel, it changed how I love and it changed who I am. It changed. Those of you that know me....know that I hate change, I am a creature of habit and I will drive extra miles, just not to change my route. Well, five years ago.....a big change hit my life.

I still can say, that I don't like change...and I don't like that my whole life was rerouted, but it was....and that is a change that I could do nothing about. People will tell you all the time...that change is good...change makes you grow...change opens your mind to new possibilities. And you know.....some of those statements are so very true. Change.....it changes you....and we are all giving the choice to accept change or not to. I had to accept change.....learn to live with it, and learn to grow from it. I have, and I believe that even though I'm not the same person I was five years ago....the change has made me grow into the person that maybe God wanted all along.

This changed me.....is one that appreciates the family that I have. It doesn't mean that I accept all of the mistakes that we all make, but it makes me appreciate the love I have for all of them, and the love they have for me. I am blessed beyond words with Glen, also a changed person, for he is beside me every step of this journey....and loves me through all of my moods.....and all of my insane thinkings:) I have two wonderful boys.....that I continue to worry so much about, .....worry how this change has affected their lives and beliefs. I pray so much about them....and I love them so much. I have a sister, that has been through so much herself....who sits next to me, as I type.....silently.....missing her Meghan too. I am blessed.

So many other changes that have come from a deep sadness......I have been blessed to be able to go on two mission trips to Romania....to love children half away across the world. I don't think I would have done this before. I always dreamed about it, but I'm not sure I would have ever done this.

I think of all the friends I have, before and since. I have been so incredibly blessed with friends that stood by...and still do...that watched me suffer, grieve and change. I have meet new friends....so many new friends, that have similar life experiences that I have. I have a circle of friends.....that unfortunately, grieve for children as I do. God has brought each of these friends into my life......for a reason.....for a person....they are a blessing out of the storm that we all have gone through. Different stories....different changes....but all helping each other....and learning to live without someone. God does amazing things. I would love that this group of friends never grows, but then again....I know it will. I hate that...I really do....there are so many people around me that are suffering right now......and it makes my heart so sad. I remember praying God.....begging him, to never let anyone go through what I was going through.....and sometimes that prayer doesn't seem to be answered....and I ask him why? And then I reach out to those....and hope that maybe I can help them....in some small way. I hope so....for I believe that something good has to come from great sadness. I have to believe this.

I think of the many prayer blankets that I have made.....and others have made. I think of over 400 that have been brought to Romania.....brought to children...that maybe for only a night....felt warm and covered in love.....even one night....makes it worth it. I think of blankets covering those that are suffering right now.....or ones that find comfort in being wrapped in her blanket.....and knowing that they are never alone....ever....for God is always with us....and always loves us.

I think of two little babies.....born at 24 weeks, 1 day.....I think of their Momma...who wanted blankets for them, before they even were born....so that they could be layed across the incubators when they were born. And I remember me......at a point in my life that I just prayed over them.....and told God......if these babies don't make it.....I'm not sure I can do this anymore......I think of walking in to see Audrey and Grayson.....so tiny....with blankets covering their incubators. I saw their momma...who had more faith in those blankets.....and a momma that knew change had happened in her life......and she was reaching to God and her faith. I saw a picture of these babies 3-1/2 months later.....home for the first time....wrapped up in their prayer blankets. And to think I ever questioned God.....

I know I am jumping all over the place....but almost a year worth of stuff that has been in my mind and heart. As you know.....even though a wise therapist told me five years ago to write.....I tend not to..... because then it is really happening. Funny......even when I don't write....it still happens:)

You know this time of the year happens, every year. I get it. I plan for it....but I still don't like it. I had a very dear friend of mine tell me last week....just don't look at the calendar.....just don't think about the dates.......then you won't remember and the day will have come and gone. I know this is her protecting me, protecting my heart. And I so wish that I could just forget....and think of this as just any other day.....but it's not. It never will be. It was a day that forever changed my life. Five years. Somedays it feels like yesterday, and some days like so long ago. Can you imagine not hugging, touching, talking or even yelling at your child for five years? It aches.....bottom line....at aches...it is a change that I still don't like....but a change that I have to live with.

I'm not writing this to make you feel sorry for me.....I'm just writing, well, because I have to. I write because I want people to know what it is like, five years later. I write so that people know that through all the aches I have.....I also still have HOPE. I still have hope for tomorrow.....I still have plans for the future.....I still have dreams. For the longest time.....I lived without dreams....but I have them. They are just different dreams. They involve less of me.....and more of others. They are about helping others.....hugging more children.....lending my ears and love to others. I guess I just realized this moment.....that my dreams....don't have to do with things I dreamed about before.....but this change in my life.....has made my dreams much more about others....than about me. I think that maybe this has been God's dream all along....and maybe was part of his change in me. I don't know....another question I'll ask him when I see him.

Fall.....always loved it....still do, but it's just different now.

Meghan will be 13 on October 28th. She will be a teenager.....and I just can't get my head around that one. She was little when she left us.......and now she would know it all....and let me know that she knew it all:) I wonder how tall she would be.....I wonder what music she would listen to....I wonder who her BFF would be.....but I already know that answer - Audrey:) I wonder if her teeth would be straightened out.....I wonder how she would wear her hair....I wonder if she would still love shoes like her momma.....and I wonder what she would think of me. She wouldn't know this changed me......so there is no way to find out what she would think.....there really is no way to know any of this.....but I still wonder and I still imagine. And that's o.k. Because if I just didn't wonder......and if I didn't remember what today was.....then it would be like she never existed....and she did, and she does. She will always be my girl....she will always be the baby that made our family complete - our family of five. She will always be my third child....and I will always be a mother of three:)

Thank you friends and family....for always being there.....all 365 (I think thats correct) days of the year....just not only the dates that stick out.

I am blessed.....I have Hope and I have Dreams.

Much love to all,

LeAnn