School's Out!

Hey,

I'm just writing, cause I have too. Please understand....I do this just so that I can have some Peace in my heart.....when part of me just seems like I can't find it. So just ignore.....cause I'm warning you....I'm a little bit sappy tonight:)

It's now 12:50 a.m. on Saturday, Mary 29, 2010. Michael and Jordan finished up school yesterday.....and today was their first day of summer vacation! Jordan slept until noon.....once he's finally quiet.....he'll sleep forever:)

The last few days have been just a rollarcoaster of emotions......I've read a zillion Facebook updates on friend's childrens......kids that I know and love. Tonight a number of my "extended Kids" have graduated from High School.....I'm so proud of all of them.....and I know....that God has great plans for them. In case you don't know this about me.....I'm a pretty emotional person.....and I've thought of each of these kids....and remembered when they came into my life.....and what they mean to me......anther group have graduated and will go off to college in the Fall......a process of life.....and a change .....and I really do hate change. I know change is what life here on earth is all about....but change is such a difficult thing for me to do. I want everything the same.....and just about everyday.....I want to go back.....to a time when my heart was complete....when I didn't feel like a part of me was lost forever.......a time when I could read about other friends childrens accomplishments....and not feel such an ache in my heart.....for the accomplishments and awards...that I will never see for my little girl...Meghan. I guess when you don't know....what the accomplishments would be.....you tend to think she would have gotten them all.....not that awards are critical here on earth.....but awards are awards.....the sign of success and a job well done! I know that no award is as important....as the greatest award that Meghan has already received, but they are like a pat on the back.....a "hey, you've done a great job! I guess it's a mark...that a Mommy and Daddy have done a good job....of teaching their child.....to go out into this world....and leave a mark behind. So I guess, as much as a child is excited to receive an award....I feel that a parent gets more joy out of that award....or diploma.....or great crct scores....and I guess that me....Meghan's momma....didn't get to finish getting her awards......I know....sounds so lame....sounds so stupid....but it's true.....I just wish that I was able to post all the great things about her.....about her finishing elementary....and about her heading to Middle School....and maybe that she got the best Math scores.....I know...I warned you....pretty emotional this week!

I don't want anyone to think that I am not so very proud of my boys....Michael and Jordan....for I am....they are amazing young men.....but let's face it.....if I'm not screaming at them to do their homework......or bring their books home......then it's not normal around here. I know...I probably would be doing the same with Meghan...but that's the thing....I don't know....and we pretend to think things would be different, when we really don't know:)

Another thing.....it sounds like I'm harping about all the other children's successes....I'm not....I read through everyone of my Facebook updates.....and I am so very proud of each child's aocomplishments.....I cried while reading many of them.....I cried with pride, and I cried with a longing....a longing of wishing and wanting. I've had friends tell me.....don't bother with facebook right now.....don't read them....but you know....I can't:) For I know that even through my sorrow.......God has given me such wonderful kids in my life......to show me and teach me...that life goes on, and kids grow up....and yes....change occurs.

So....I've gone on long enough.....silly thoughts in my head.....wishes in my heart...so I guess I'll just end with this:

Sweet little Meghan...she finished 5th grade....she graduated with God next to her....and so many little friends around her.....she's heading into Middle School...and I know that she will accomplish many great things....for her teacher is the almighty one.....and he's leading her and guiding her...until her momma sees her again.

Love you sweet Meghan....always have, always will:)

Love,

Momma:)

School's out soon!

Hello Everyone,

It's been along time since I've posted. I tend to get so busy in other things....like prayer blankets for Romania....and I've been doing really good lately.....so don't like to sit down and reflect much, when I'm in a "good" place.

Gonna just write for a few......for most of you reading this, you have not experienced the loss of a child....and I am so grateful that there are just a few of us in this group that have. I've been kind of sad the last few weeks, and kept wondering why I can't seem to snap out of it. I've been super busy and so excited about our Mission Trip to Romania.....just six weeks from tomorrow and I just havn't been able to figure out why I'm in this slump. I was driving home from Michael and Jordan's school earlier....and realized what the main reason is. It's May.....school will be out in about three weeks....shorter for all my Senior extended kids out there. When someone suffers a loss of any kind, we will always have those anniversary's that are marked each year....birthdays that are not celebrated anymore and Holiday without our loved ones. With the loss of a child, I have experienced that the two hardest times of the year.....are August when school starts and May when school ends. When school starts....it's so exciting each year, as a parent, to send your little ones off to school.....and even more exciting when they came home....and told you everything that they had learned that day....who they played with, and what they ate for lunch.

The main reason we moved after Meghan passed away was because her school bus stopped in front of our house....and I just couldn't take one more bus with Meghan not getting off of it. I don't think I ever see a bus without thinking about Meghan jumping out of it.....running in the front door to give me a hug....and start her homework. These are treasured memories....that I will forever cherish.

Meghan had just over two years of riding the bus with her friends.....and loving every minute of it.

I was visiting Michael's old middle school a couple of weeks ago......helping to serve some lunch to some awesome teachers....that our church wanted to honor. I havn't been back there since Michael left Edwards Middle School half way through his 8th grade year. I was looking at all the kids in the lunchroom and remembering when Kelly and I had gone up to Edwards to check it out.....because our little boys - Michael and Chase would be starting there in the Fall. It was the same time of the year as when I was there....I remember thinking how big the kids looked, and how I just didn't want Michael to grow up and go there. Then I reflected that Michael will be a Senior in High school this Fall.....where has the time gone....he was just going to enter 6th grade. Then it hit me......really hit me.....Meghan would be that age now.....she would be entering the 6th grade - Middle school in the Fall....if she was still here with us. Again, I wondered how could that be? She was just in 2nd grade. So this brings us to the other hardest time of the year....the end of school each year.

The end of school, especially in mile stones....like ending elementary.....were always such a huge part of my life, and the boys life. It's the time of the year that you reflect on how they have grown, what they have accomplished, how much detention they have had....:) Just joking...but Jordan is at school right now....with his first detention......:) How ironic! As a mother to three great kids......I have always been so proud of their accomplishments.....I just wish that I could have had more with Meghan. She will always be my little 2nd grader...reading and being great in Math! It's so hard to imagine all the things that she would have learned and accomplished. She would be most likely finishing her last year at Barksdale......I so wish that I could have been a part of her fifth grade celebration, as I was for Michael and Jordan. It's seems like it was yesterday when she was graduationg from preschool, or finishing up Kindergarden. I just miss those milestones......but I also know, that what she has learned in the last 3-1/2 years is far more than she would have ever learned here.....and what a teacher she has had. She has been blessed, but I will forever feel a loss like only someone that has experienced this can understand. All her little friends....are bigger friends.....and I havn't seen so many of them since they were little.

I'm just rambling, but need to just write this out.....so I can let it go, this end-of-the school year 2010. Jordan is finishing up 9th grade....and Michael is finishing up 11th grade. I will have a sophomore and a senior next year....where has the time gone. I am so proud of them. But I also just to need to remind myself....and you out there....I also have a little girl....that would be graduating from 5th grade......and she will be a Middle Schooler next year. How cool is that?

Please remember this time of the year.... for I believe this is just not something I experience...but I believe any parent that has lost a child.....goes through the same or similar feelings that I do....remember them this time of the year. And please remember a family in Conyers....that experienced the loss of both of their children last month. Their son, would be graduationg from High School in a couple of weeks....and would be attending Georgia Tech in the Fall....and their daughter would be finishing up 8th grade and heading to High School in the Fall. These are trying times for this family especially....for graduations go on, school ends, and then it starts up all over again in the Fall. I know God intends for life to go on, but sometimes it's just difficult to see life go on all around you, and a part of your life has forever stopped.

Just a quick note to Meghan:

Hey there Meghan....I think of you everyday and can't believe you would be finishing up 5th grade....where has the time gone. You were just learning to write in cursive....I wonder if your handwriting has gotten better than mine has ever been? I am so proud of you sweetie.....always have been, always will. Can you believe Michael is going to be a Senior? And he's going to try out for Football? Crazy hugh? And Jordan.....he's taller than me....when did that happen? Did you see that before I even knew? I still worry so much about both of them. I know that Jordan had a rough night this week. He was missing you! Did you see him cry for you? I wish that you could tell him that you are doing good....and that you miss him too....and that we'll see you again someday. Can you let them both know....how incredably proud your Daddy and I are of the them? They both are so smart...but just don't seem to believe that or believe us. God gave us three beautiful perfect children.....and I am forever grateful for that. Mommy just wanted you to know......I love you....and know how excited you would be to leave elementary...and head to Middle School.....even if I know I would have told you....that you were too little to be going there. I know you're watching over all your friends....that are growing up.....thank you for being the beautiful friend, sister, daughter and student that you always were. I love you....always have, always will. I'm forever a mommy of three.

Thank you all for letting me write.....and letting me feel. May every child out there be so very proud of their accomplishments.....and for every parent to let their kids know that!

Love to all!

LeAnn